input, textarea { background: #FFFFFF; font-family: verdana; font-size:8pt; color:#E20500; border-style: solid; border-color: red; text-transform:lowercase; border-width:1 }
When will I be ready?

2003-10-04 @ 12:04 p.m.

Lately when I do get some sleep all I dream about is Paul. I so miss him very much. I really do. Sometimes I think about where our relationship went wrong. Why couldn't our relationship survive? We both loved each other so much. Things were going so well, better than ever that last Thanksgiving that we were together when we went to Tennessee until we came back and found out a friend of ours was killed. All of a sudden, things changed that day. Three days after we returned...what happened to the wonderful days that we had and how we were so much closer than ever just a few days before? I don't understand. It's almost two years now that we have been apart, although we did see each other and spent some time together 7 months ago. But, my heart still hurts, it's still broken. When I think about him, dream about him, tears roll down my face. He's always on my mind, in my heart. When I think I am finally letting go, part of me just falls back and says "not yet". I know that he is feeling the same way when 7 months ago he told me so.

Never in my life have I loved anyone or cared for anyone as much I do for Paul. I'm trying my best to move on, yet, I seem to find something about the other person that gives me reason to back away. Even though consciously I am not comparing, is it possible that I may be doing that subconsciously? Honestly, I don't even know the answer to that question. I know it takes time to heal a broken heart. But, how long does it take? I've never felt this way for anyone so I don't know how long it takes to heal, and understand why it hurts so much. And I wonder, is he feeling this way too? Is this why he told me 7 months ago that he isn't capable of a relationship in his life right now as much as he wants us to work things out? Are we both just afraid that things may fail if we try again? I don't know the answers, and I'm sure that he doesn't either.

I still have some of his pictures and Holleigh's pictures up and the roses that he gave me on our two year anniversary and I keep telling myself, "put them away" "throw out the flowers" but, I just can't seem to have the heart to do it just yet. I tell myself "I'll do it later" over and over again. And now, almost two years later, and I'm still telling myself "I'll do it later". I just don't have the heart and the strength to do it just yet. I guess it's like grieving, you do it when you are ready. My question to myself is when will I ever be ready?