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2003-10-04 @ 12:04 p.m.
Never in my life have I loved anyone or cared for anyone as much I do for Paul. I'm trying my best to move on, yet, I seem to find something about the other person that gives me reason to back away. Even though consciously I am not comparing, is it possible that I may be doing that subconsciously? Honestly, I don't even know the answer to that question. I know it takes time to heal a broken heart. But, how long does it take? I've never felt this way for anyone so I don't know how long it takes to heal, and understand why it hurts so much. And I wonder, is he feeling this way too? Is this why he told me 7 months ago that he isn't capable of a relationship in his life right now as much as he wants us to work things out? Are we both just afraid that things may fail if we try again? I don't know the answers, and I'm sure that he doesn't either.
I still have some of his pictures and Holleigh's pictures up and the roses that he gave me on our two year anniversary and I keep telling myself, "put them away" "throw out the flowers" but, I just can't seem to have the heart to do it just yet. I tell myself "I'll do it later" over and over again. And now, almost two years later, and I'm still telling myself "I'll do it later". I just don't have the heart and the strength to do it just yet. I guess it's like grieving, you do it when you are ready. My question to myself is when will I ever be ready?