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The ride

2003-05-06 @ 11:01 p.m.

Today I have been holding back tears...all day! I did let out a few tears when I was sitting at my desk, at some point it was hard to hold it in, but, I managed to not cry uncontrollably and go unnoticed that I had been crying some. I'm so glad that my desk is in the back corner where I can just hide, and no one goes back to my desk unless they have reason. So, I don't have to worry about anyone walking by my desk constantly.

I've just been on one of those emotional roller coaster rides. I don't know if it's because I feel lonely, if I'm missing something in my life or just having a mid-life crisis. I don't know really what age a mid-life crisis happens, but, I just can't get out of this mood! I honestly feel like I can't take control of it and I'm hating that, I hate the fact that I can't have control of my emotions at times. I know that when I had my hysterectomy done (not by choice) my doctor did tell me that I would have these emotional episodes and crying episodes, but, it has never been this bad. Again, I cried myself to sleep last night, and I just don't know why. I find myself smoking more cigarettes than usual, taking longer to fall asleep, cancelling on dates, minus the loser Brad! I wouldn't call that one cancelling, I just decided after the things I found out that he isn't worth my time. Anyway, just that there are so many things going thru my mind lately that I don't know how to explain. I don't know if it's the touch of a man that I miss, not only sexually but, just someone being there. I hate being alone, I really do, but, there are times that I enjoy my privacy. Maybe I'm just not ready to get intimate with anyone right now since PG, I know that right now, I'm so afraid to get into a relationship again because of the fear of having a broken heart again, PG just shattered mine so much that I don't know how to put it back together again. I feel like I don't know how to put myself back together again. But, if I don't figure it out soon, I am so going to fall apart and completly lose control of everything in my life. PG was the first person that I truly opened my heart to and fell in love with and I can't seem to get over it. God knows I have tried so very hard to get over him in the last year. I've been on so many dates since he and I split but, I'm afraid to get close to anyone. All my life, I have always kept my walls up, never getting close to anyone, including my x-husband, the PG walks into my life, and it changed everything. I know that things are supposed to happen the way they are supposed to, but, there are just times that I really hate the way that they go. I want someone in my life so much, but, I'm scared to get close and to just have my heart broken again in so many pieces. I have never ever in my life had such a hard time like this getting over someone. NEVER!!! I just want someone in my life that will make me happy...very happy. I just don't feel that I will ever meet him. To be honest, I don't feel that I am pretty enough for anyone. Everyone tells me that I'm pretty, or cute, that I have a great personality, beautiful smile, that I have a wonderful heart for people, etc...if that's the case, then what the hell am I doing wrong? Why isn't the right person walking into my life? There's someone that I like, and I don't know if he likes me the same way, and I can't really confront him with it because there are issues there that I don't want to touch, that it would be up to him if he wants to take that step, and something that we would have to discuss. I think he likes me, but, I'm not sure, for all I know, he's just being nice and flirty...who I said, there are some issues there and it's something that I cannot approach on.

Anyway, all I know right now is that I have been feeling extremely alone. I try to keep myself busy, and I have a great time when Rue and I hang's the opposite sex that I am missing in my life. There is so much missing from my life...Holleigh especially, and I miss my baby girl so very much...I wish that PG would let me see her. I know that I am just a step-mom to her, but, he knows how much I love and miss her with all my heart and he knows that its hurting me not seeing her. You wouldn't believe how much I want a child of my own, someday when I can figure out how to take care of myself, I will be looking into adoption.

I've always been an independent person. An independent person that hasn't figured out how to take care of herself in more ways than one. And my depression doesn't clouds my goals and no matter how much I keep that out of site/out of mind, it always has a way of creeping back, and I hate it. But, I do my best to conquer it every way that I can. By no means do I use it as a crutch...that's just wrong to use any illness that a person may have as a crutch to why things in their life go the way that they are the only one that can change your life...and I'm learning that it is just a matter of how to do it or where to start.

Ugh...I never listen to my own advice...I really need to learn to do that.

Till tomorrow...

Blessed Be!