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Do I still have the strength for the future?

2004-04-21 @ 11:25 p.m.

Today just sucked! I had an emergency to take care of that lead me to leave work early! 7 hours early! Yep, I was at work for an hour and then I was out the door. Getting everything taken care of and then going to work at the bowling alley. The only good thing today was waking up next to Dan. Him holding me all night in his arms and laying next to me.

The rest of the day was just horrible! Iím so ready to just crawl into bed and say to hell to the world for at least 8 hours until I have to wake for work tomorrow. I am so going to be swamped tomorrow BIG TIME!!! The job at the bowling alley is going pretty good. The manager, Chris decided to pay me more than what he was originally going to pay me that works for me. That will help me a great dealÖI hope!

Iíve had so much stuff on my mind todayÖmy life, financial setting, my career, and even my relationship with Dan. Just wondering how I got here where I am today. How I found someone so special as Dan when I thought that I wasnít ever going to meet anyone that would mean so much to me. Although I did keep my walls up since Paul and I split telling myself that I donít want to feel this way about someone again because I didnít want to go through all the heartache again, but when Dan walked into my life things changed and the walls around my heart are slowly falling and a door creating to let Dan into my heart. Iím still scared though because even though things are perfect right now doesnít mean that things could happen. And I know itís a risk that both he and I are to take, but itís still scary. I donít want to fall again flat on my face like it was with Paul. By no means that Dan and Paul are alike. Not by a long shot. Dan is such a better person and has a heart for people and his surroundings. Paul was completely opposite and only thought of himself. He didnít care about anyone or anything around him. Dan has a heart of gold and Paul has a heart as hard as steel. But the last few days, and maybe itís just me. But, Iíve been having these strange feelings more of ďiffyĒ feelings of some stuff that I wonít mention just yet because I could be wrong. The scary thing is, my gut feelings are never wrong, and Iím hoping that they are this time. But then I think that itís probably just me thinking too much into things and with so much going on right now itís probably just all confusion. And feelings that Iím scared of having again. But like they say life is about chances. I guess it doesnít help when Matt comes over and tells me stuff about Dan, which in turn puts thoughts into my head. Iíve discussed this with Dan and came to an agreement of what to do about it. But, itís still not easy. I guess time will tell on things. Donít get me wrong, I do love Dan and all and we have a wonderful relationship. I just hate when others try to interfere, and hereís Dan, my boyfriend and Matt my friend and Danís friend and well, I feelÖshit, I donít know how to describe it. Dan doesnít say things to me about Matt, but Matt tells me things about Dan, what am I supposed to do? Some of it I discuss it with Dan but then some of it I donít because I feel like if I do that Iím betraying Mattís trust in me, yet then at the same time I feel guilty for not saying anything to Dan. Iím not lying to him or anything we agreed to have our honesty, trust and communication with each other, and we do. I just donít say anything because I donít want their friendship ruined or whatever. Not that it would ruin it but, you never know and I donít want to be in the middle of Dan and Matt. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!!! UGH!!!

Anyway, then thereís my career with my company. Iíve decided to make them my career, but the position Iím in isnít my career even though Iím good at it. We have such a large company that I can do anything in this company itís just a matter of finding an opening. But, the thought that my current position with the State Government doesnít pay as much as it did when I worked on the Federal Government side of the company. But I had no choice but to switch over. So I go and get a second job to help make ends meet and I feel like Iím running in circles because the ends arenít meeting right away. Iím so impatient! But yet I do have an excellent job working for the government. Itís not easy getting in a position with the government.

Then thereís the thought of how I got here to Denver and how I got where Iím at today with everything. I mean, I was always a ďblack sheepĒ growing up and always in trouble, and then I meet my high school sweetheart at 14 together for 15 years who became my husband for 10 of those years. I never really had a single life. When we divorced I was terrified of being out there alone, what I was going to do with my life. I went to college while I was married and got my Associates Degree in computers and business entrepreneurship minored in accounting. But I worked in a grocery store as a checker and assistant manager of an espresso bar and worked in a rent to own place in the office and taking care of my landlordís mother in law doing home care at the time and before that I worked as a manager of a music store and a toy store, a local advertising agency, owned two restaurants, didnít work for over a year due to my endometriosis, started suffering through depression and went through a few suicide attempts, went through training and became a Certified Nursing Assistant, worked in a bank as a teller. But after the divorce, I was scared. Iíve always been an independent person, a strong person and this one time I was scared. I had never really been alone. Thatís when my mother and I decided that I was going to move to Texas and stay with my aunt because I didnít want to move back home.

Then, exactly 10 days after it was discussed to have the divorce I ran into my best friend Mike from high school who was moving here to Denver to be with his girlfriend who dumped him the day he got here. He stayed with me for the last two weeks that he was in town before he moved to Denver. The day that Mike left I received a visit from my soon to be ex-husband and ended up raping me. I get a call from Mike and he forced out of me what was wrong and I told him and he was so so pissed off. He decided that he was bringing me here to Colorado for vacation to get away from everything. He flew out to Montana and we drove my car here, the day that we got here I told Mike I was moving here and he didnít believe me and that my mother was going to convince me to move to Texas and I told him to watch and see. I stayed here for over a week and when I went back home to Montana my divorce was final and I started selling stuff that was replaceable and gave Sean (my x) some stuff, I kept everything and he took both vehicles and whatever I decided to give him. A month and a half later I put the rest of the things that I kept all in storage, gave my 2 weeks notice, packed my car with what I just needed, $200.00 in my pocket and I left. 10 hours later I was here in Denver and living with Mike as roommates, I had an interview that Monday that I had planned 3 weeks before I got here and Tuesday I was working.

Three months later Mike decided to move back to Montana, admitting that he isnít a city boy, he will always be a true Montana cowboy. I went through some rough times being here by myself. I got mixed in with the wrong crowd and did drugs, which lasted for about two months, Iíve just never been addicted and I got bored of it very quickly. Got mixed up with a married man, which I will never do again, then my relationship with Paul, which was just abusive from the beginning. During the time I was with Paul, I had quit my job after being with them for two and a half years and didnít work for a year except doing temp jobs and received a settlement from a car accident that took me two years to get and by the time that was close to running out I decided I needed to go back to work permanently. I placed my resume on and 2 days later my company that I am with now called me (I didnít apply for this job), set up an interview and I was hired on the spot. Iíve been with the company ever since. Paul and I split our 3-year relationship 5 months after we signed legal common law married papers. We filed our separation papers and went our separate ways and coming back to each other off and on for 2 years and finally I said again, enough was enough. I couldnít let him walk back into my life whenever he felt like it. Not too long ago he tried again and I couldnít do it. I wouldnít do it.

A major scam going on across the country screws me and my parents help me out by putting their house up for refinancing. My aunt in Texas passes away from cancer; my cousin (who was 25) passes from a heart attack and my grandmother passes away unexpectedly and then my grandfather following. Three weeks later I meet Dan and things have been wonderful with him ever since.

Where did this strength to do and deal with all this come from? Do I still have the strength for the future? Blessed Be!!

Much Love~