2004-11-28 @ 3:01 p.m.
There�s so much happening in my life right now I just don�t know whether I�m coming or going, if I should laugh or cry, if I should be spontaneous like I usually am or if I should just remain in my shell. I worry about the whether the right words or the wrong words come out of my mouth. I feel like I find myself saying and doing the wrong things anymore on general things in my life. My stress level is just so high that I can�t even think straight. I don�t know if it�s just me or if it�s the holiday season. It seems that everything just comes crashing and things go wrong in my life around the holiday season. Every year as far back as I can remember it has always been like this, it�s like a never-ending curse. I�m surprised that Dan and Jenn can put up with me. Neither one of them has complained they just remind me that I think too much and I have to agree with them.
I guess it�s because I�m so used to bad things happening to me I�m losing sight of all the good that is happening and don�t recognize it when it�s in front of me. I analyze too much, I honestly do. And I try so hard not to but it�s like a normal thinking process for me. I�m so open minded that I don�t only look at the good I look at the bad and I seem to look at the bad and worry about it more than I do the good. Maybe I�m just too open minded, I don�t know.
It just seems that all week I�ve been so damn emotional and constantly crying off and on, I mean I know that things happen in life that we can�t control, but I�ve always been one that tries to keep things under control in my life and when it doesn�t go the way I want it I just get all stressed and worried and it just takes over. I don�t know what I would do without Dan, he is such a positive person that it helps me to work on being a positive person. I wish I didn�t get this trait of thinking too much from my mother. Even my father tells me that I think too much, everyone I know has told me that. And the only ones that have stuck around me and put up with it are Dan and Jenn.
I just feel so trapped. I don�t feel trapped in my relationship with Dan, that�s going great. I feel trapped in my life in general. I feel drained like I can�t do it anymore, but I keep trying. God I keep trying and it�s not an easy road and I hate asking for help but I don�t know what else to do. I just feel like I�m running out of breathing room and I just want to run and hide from it all and just catch my breath. But, right now it�s a little impossible for that to happen for me.
Once again I feel that I�m fighting my demons again. Last night I had a nightmare that found me kicking and crying and it woke myself up. I don�t know if it woke Dan up or not but it did for me. And the other night I had another nightmare and I think I hit Dan on the back but he hasn�t said anything except for when I did when we were first dating. But he also understands why I have my nightmares.
I�m still trying to quit smoking. I had the last cigarette of my pack Friday at 3:30 and went without a cigarette the rest of that day and evening and all day yesterday up until I checked my mail and got really stressed, and turned around and drove back to the store and got a pack at 5:00 yesterday. Did my stressing and smoking and now I�m back again to no cigarettes. I know this isn�t going to be easy and I wouldn�t doubt that I will find myself sneaking in a smoke here and there but I�m doing the best I can to succeed at this.
Well, now that I�ve let out a few vents, etc out I better get going and get my house cleaned. I get my stitches out tomorrow (I hope) and the healing process of my surgery begins! Blessed Be!!
Much Love~
~V~
