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Can I run & hide?

2004-11-28 @ 3:01 p.m.

Mom asked me yesterday if Dan and I are living together yet and I told her nope. Sometimes I wish we were because it would make a lot of things much much easier for us. But I donít think it will happen anytime soon. If it does that would be great, but all we can do is take one step at a time.

Thereís so much happening in my life right now I just donít know whether Iím coming or going, if I should laugh or cry, if I should be spontaneous like I usually am or if I should just remain in my shell. I worry about the whether the right words or the wrong words come out of my mouth. I feel like I find myself saying and doing the wrong things anymore on general things in my life. My stress level is just so high that I canít even think straight. I donít know if itís just me or if itís the holiday season. It seems that everything just comes crashing and things go wrong in my life around the holiday season. Every year as far back as I can remember it has always been like this, itís like a never-ending curse. Iím surprised that Dan and Jenn can put up with me. Neither one of them has complained they just remind me that I think too much and I have to agree with them.

I guess itís because Iím so used to bad things happening to me Iím losing sight of all the good that is happening and donít recognize it when itís in front of me. I analyze too much, I honestly do. And I try so hard not to but itís like a normal thinking process for me. Iím so open minded that I donít only look at the good I look at the bad and I seem to look at the bad and worry about it more than I do the good. Maybe Iím just too open minded, I donít know.

It just seems that all week Iíve been so damn emotional and constantly crying off and on, I mean I know that things happen in life that we canít control, but Iíve always been one that tries to keep things under control in my life and when it doesnít go the way I want it I just get all stressed and worried and it just takes over. I donít know what I would do without Dan, he is such a positive person that it helps me to work on being a positive person. I wish I didnít get this trait of thinking too much from my mother. Even my father tells me that I think too much, everyone I know has told me that. And the only ones that have stuck around me and put up with it are Dan and Jenn.

I just feel so trapped. I donít feel trapped in my relationship with Dan, thatís going great. I feel trapped in my life in general. I feel drained like I canít do it anymore, but I keep trying. God I keep trying and itís not an easy road and I hate asking for help but I donít know what else to do. I just feel like Iím running out of breathing room and I just want to run and hide from it all and just catch my breath. But, right now itís a little impossible for that to happen for me.

Once again I feel that Iím fighting my demons again. Last night I had a nightmare that found me kicking and crying and it woke myself up. I donít know if it woke Dan up or not but it did for me. And the other night I had another nightmare and I think I hit Dan on the back but he hasnít said anything except for when I did when we were first dating. But he also understands why I have my nightmares.

Iím still trying to quit smoking. I had the last cigarette of my pack Friday at 3:30 and went without a cigarette the rest of that day and evening and all day yesterday up until I checked my mail and got really stressed, and turned around and drove back to the store and got a pack at 5:00 yesterday. Did my stressing and smoking and now Iím back again to no cigarettes. I know this isnít going to be easy and I wouldnít doubt that I will find myself sneaking in a smoke here and there but Iím doing the best I can to succeed at this.

Well, now that Iíve let out a few vents, etc out I better get going and get my house cleaned. I get my stitches out tomorrow (I hope) and the healing process of my surgery begins! Blessed Be!!

Much Love~