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Emotional Roller Coaster

2003-05-05 @ 10:55 p.m.

Ugh...HTML is such a pain sometimes...why do I do it? Because I love doing things like that...oh, but, it can be such a pain in my ass! That's why I don't do it for a living, ugh.

Anyway, had a long weekend, but a fun one! Rue and I went to Estes Park, Central City and was up in the mountains all day taking pictures, and just being our goofy selves. It was nice for us to get away. When we first left, we listened to one of Jeff Foxworthy's cd's and laughed our asses off driving down the road. People driving by must have thought we were nuts or something we were laughing so hysterically, especially when he talks about a few things that her or I have done in the past, but, especially the one that pertained to that day when we were leaving King Soopers, you had to be there, it was just too funny. :o) hee hee... But, we had a great time! I'm going home to visit the parents on Memorial weekend and trying to convince Rue to go with, we've driven off to the mountains for the day to get away, now is our chance to drive out of state for a few days. I hope she does decide to go, we have too much fun when we're out and about when we hang out together...something strange or out of the ordinary ALWAYS happens with one of us if not both. Hey Rue, I know you're reading this...remember the Subway guy! LOL!

Anyhoo, I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I HATE MONDAYS! I can never get my ass out of bed on time on Mondays!

Well, my x-husband sent me pictures of his new baby to me today, he's a cutie (the baby), but, ugh...just kinda eats at me, and I feel that I need to torture myself. In case you haven't visited my webpage, I had Endometriosis, and due to that I cannot have children of my own and I have always felt that I was punished for something and don't deserve children of my own. That this is something that I have to suffer and be tortured for till the day that I die. I know that things happen for a reason, and over the years I have dealt with the fact of not being able to have children. But, there are times where it still eats me up.

I was pregnant once when I was 17 but miscarried and didn't know that I was pregnant till I miscarried, that year it happened on mother's day, May 13. This year mother's day is May 11, 2 days before my son's birthday, he would be 17 years old this year...**sigh**. Mother's day is ALWAYS the hardest for me, I get so damn emotional. And then not having Holleigh around...ugh!!!!

Right now, I just feel like my life really sux ass, and of course no one to hold me close when I feel so lonely, which is how I have been feeling a lot lately. I just want to crawl back into the closet and hide like I used to...hide in my metal box they call the computer. But, I keep reminding myself that it isn't going to solve anything or get me anywhere. I've been crying myself to sleep the past few days and just can't get it to stop, when I'm at work, I bury myself into it as much as I can and avoid everyone as much as possible just so that they won't ask me what's wrong. So, when anyone does come to my desk I put my mask on just so that no one sees past my mask. The question is, how long can I wear this mask? I've been wearing it off and on for so many years sometimes I lose track. Who knows, maybe someday I'll figure it out but, till then...

Well, it's late, and I've gabbed more than enough...good nite everyone, sweet dreams!!

Blessed Be!