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2003-10-20 @ 10:35 p.m.

Once again, I'm struggling with missing Paul so damn much. I have recently been doing so much thinking about relationships, and this is what I came up with.

A relationship means that two people are partners, lovers and friends to each other. They accept their differences and share their thoughts and feelings. I have learned that the most important is to understand that people are different, but it's always possible to get along if they really try. Love and marriage are serious things and if two people really love each other, then anything is possible. They just need to remember that love doesn't mean having fun all the time. There are many difficult situations and people need to be ready for them instead of walking away. True love overcomes all difficulties.

This was something that Paul and I had, and we were common law married, papers and all. But, I guess that didn't mean to much to him as much as it did to me. But, we did sign the separation papers too. I do wish that I can get over this obstacle that I am going through within myself and truly move on with my life, but, for some reason, it's really not that easy when you were/are in love with someone so much. And it just makes it worse when there wasn't closure. And I think that is why I am feeling the way that I am, we need the closure, I need the closure. But, I feel that I can't do it alone. It needs to take both of us to do this.

Why does he make me feel this way? What is it about him that makes me love him so much? He's in my heart, my soul and in my dreams. And I can't run away from it, as much as I want to, I can't. The suffering of it all is just too much for me. I need to let go, I need to close my heart up, I need this emptiness to go away at some point where it doesn't hurt so much. I still find myself crying to sleep because it hurts so much. The hurt is so strong, it's as if it just happened yesterday. I need to find my peace from this and I don't know how, or where to start...ugh!!!!