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I knew Mom wouldn't call...**sigh**

2004-11-19 @ 9:00 a.m.

Well today is the day of my surgery and still no word from Mom. I kind of figured this was going to happen. I know my mom too well. She just can�t swallow her pride for once. Dan and I discussed it last night and I just broke down in tears. It just really hurts me that she does this too me. Granted, I understand that my mom is set in her ways and as my dad says that is just how she is and it will never change, and I do understand that, as I�ve gotten older I�ve learned to understand that and the way my mom will be and always will.

But it doesn�t justify the fact that it still hurts. She does these things to me thinking that she�s teaching me a lesson when in fact she�s hurting me more than anything and making me want to be farther and farther away. No one else in my family knows that I go in for surgery today because the way I see it, what�s the use??? It seems no one in my family cares about the things I do or what happens, I never hear from anyone, no one calls, they all call each other.

I�ve always been the outcast, the rebel, the black sheep, and the one who gets punished for things that happen whether it be my fault or not. Obviously it�s my trademark in this family and I�ll never be able to break away from these marks. I�m always the last one to know what happens in the family, yet if there is a death in the family I�m the first to be called upon so that I would be the bearer of bad news and deliver the message to everyone. Nice, huh? That�s what I�m good for, to do the shitty jobs and only be called upon if someone needs something, and it�s usually ALWAYS money!

I can tell you right now; once I receive my settlement and I send my parents some money (which each one will get a healthy chunk) then mom will start talking to me again. I guarantee it. That�s always how it�s been. I hate to say it but my dad does that too sometimes, a lot lately only calls when he wants to get something on E-bay and of course yesterday yells at me about money and the Pontiac.

This is what I have dealt with in my life and I have to say, it�s getting old. Dan and I talked a lot last night about things such as parents, my parents, his parents, when his mom died, my suicide attempts, we talked about everything. It was nice and I love the fact that he and I can be so open with each other and not be afraid to express our feelings for each other. I�m so happy that Dan is in my life. To me both Dan and Jenn are my family. And I love them both dearly.

Well, I better get going, I have 15 minutes left of my day and then I�m leaving to go get Dan and go to the hospital for my surgery. Wish me luck! Blessed Be!!

Much Love~

~V~


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