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I knew Mom wouldn't call...**sigh**

2004-11-19 @ 9:00 a.m.

Well today is the day of my surgery and still no word from Mom. I kind of figured this was going to happen. I know my mom too well. She just canít swallow her pride for once. Dan and I discussed it last night and I just broke down in tears. It just really hurts me that she does this too me. Granted, I understand that my mom is set in her ways and as my dad says that is just how she is and it will never change, and I do understand that, as Iíve gotten older Iíve learned to understand that and the way my mom will be and always will.

But it doesnít justify the fact that it still hurts. She does these things to me thinking that sheís teaching me a lesson when in fact sheís hurting me more than anything and making me want to be farther and farther away. No one else in my family knows that I go in for surgery today because the way I see it, whatís the use??? It seems no one in my family cares about the things I do or what happens, I never hear from anyone, no one calls, they all call each other.

Iíve always been the outcast, the rebel, the black sheep, and the one who gets punished for things that happen whether it be my fault or not. Obviously itís my trademark in this family and Iíll never be able to break away from these marks. Iím always the last one to know what happens in the family, yet if there is a death in the family Iím the first to be called upon so that I would be the bearer of bad news and deliver the message to everyone. Nice, huh? Thatís what Iím good for, to do the shitty jobs and only be called upon if someone needs something, and itís usually ALWAYS money!

I can tell you right now; once I receive my settlement and I send my parents some money (which each one will get a healthy chunk) then mom will start talking to me again. I guarantee it. Thatís always how itís been. I hate to say it but my dad does that too sometimes, a lot lately only calls when he wants to get something on E-bay and of course yesterday yells at me about money and the Pontiac.

This is what I have dealt with in my life and I have to say, itís getting old. Dan and I talked a lot last night about things such as parents, my parents, his parents, when his mom died, my suicide attempts, we talked about everything. It was nice and I love the fact that he and I can be so open with each other and not be afraid to express our feelings for each other. Iím so happy that Dan is in my life. To me both Dan and Jenn are my family. And I love them both dearly.

Well, I better get going, I have 15 minutes left of my day and then Iím leaving to go get Dan and go to the hospital for my surgery. Wish me luck! Blessed Be!!

Much Love~