2004-02-13 @ 9:54 p.m.
I guess I'm just kinda bummed right now. I just got back with meeting with Jenn at Jose' O'Sheas for dinner and had a few drinks. And I guess she is going to some concert or something, who knows. But, that's alright, because right now, I'm just in the mood of sitting here silently and just writing.
Well, tomorrow is my favorite holiday, Valentine's Day, and 11 days after that will be my birthday. I'll be a whopping 35 years old, although, I'm still a kid at heart. I still act like a kid and I love toy stores. Tomorrow morning I have to go in for a root canal (bleh), then I'll come home and crawl right back into bed. Then I'll get up oh say around 3:30-4:00 and get ready for my bowling league. Last year Dan took me out for Valentine's. Actually he cooked me dinner and we watched some movies. But tomorrow, he flies out to Vegas. His sister just had a baby and so he's flying out there for a week to see his new nephew.
I guess I'm bummed because for once, I have no date, no boyfriend or whatever for my favorite holiday. I mean, it's alright, it's not a big deal. Part of me wishes to be with someone yet part of me doesn't. It's nice not having to deal with the "complications" of a relationship although occasionally having someone there to take care of and vice versa is nice. But, part of that is my fault. Since Paul and I have split, I haven't let anyone near me. And to be honest, I don't know if I want someone to get close to me again like I let Paul. It hurts too much, it really does. I've never in my life felt so hurt and heart broken like I have been feeling in the last two years. Not even when I got my divorce.
I guess there's the pro's and con's of being in a relationship, and the risk of getting hurt when you let someone become so special to you and really fall in love is the biggest risk of them all. I used to think that love was just a four letter word, and then I met Paul. I don't know if it's because I dreamed about him four years before I met him that I fell in love with him or what. But, I did fall in love with him and I fell hard. Very very hard. And I'm still in love with him and I'm still shattered. To be honest, I don't know if I can put myself completely back together, then there's times that I don't want to get myself back together and just remain feeling the way I do.
I don't know. I'm just so confused with everything about what I want to do with my heart. Do I just make it hard as a rock and never let anyone near it again and act like I don't care? Or do I force myself to say it's ok to come into my heart? Paul took over my heart, and he held it near to him and sometimes I wonder if he is still holding my heart and it's making things difficult for him. But, I can't blame him for the pain that I feel now. I mean, yes, he did hurt me, and yes, he did break my heart. But, it's not his fault or mine that I'm having a difficult time healing from our relationship. Sometimes I wonder if he feels the same too. Sometimes I wonder, is he thinking of me, is he missing me, is his heart hurting as much as mine, is he keeping people away from his heart like I am? So many questions, and no place to get the answers to the questions that I want answered.
So, anyway, I have a broken heart that won't heal. I'm still in love with a man that is no longer in my life. And tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
I just received an e-mail for my horoscope for tomorrow, here's what it says...pretty ironic with the way I'm feeling right now...
"Today is definitely not made for you to drown in self-pity, MIA, so get up and go have some fun. You will find that laughter is the best remedy for your fluctuating emotions, and you will find that this laughter is abundant once you let yourself fall into the right frame of mind. Adopt a mantra that reminds you to smile on yourself internally. Shed light on your inside so that you may radiate even brighter on the outside."
Much Love!
~V~
