2003-07-24 @ 5:05 p.m.
I just can't believe all of this. How often do you meet someone that accepts you for who you are, EVERYTHING and willing to stick with them in regards to the situation among other things??? I accepted him as a whole, him, issues, kids, x-wife, everything.
This is why I fucking push people away from me and not let them close to me because some how, I tend to get fucked up the ass, no vasaline, no kiss first...or however that phrase is worded. I can't even think straight I am so pissed and upset. I was totally honest with him and I know that he was with me but, shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!!!
I HATE MY LIFE! IT SUX ASS!!! I was talking to my boss Kevin today since we're friends too, and he knows what's been going on, and he really go an ear full today...poor guy....sorry Kevin. He happen to walk over to my desk right after I said good-bye to Kyle (yes via text msg) and just started crying, and right at that moment Kevin walked up. He's seen me pissed before and when he knows I'm pissed he always walks on eggshells around me...lol. But, he knew that I was more upset than pissed...he was definitly being a friend today.
Gawd, I don't know how much more I can expressed how pissed and upset I am right now, have been for days but today is the worse! I haven't eaten in days, been sick to my stomach with my ulcer, ugh...I don't know...I really don't know how to deal with it all...I now remembered completly why I push people away...Getting close to someone or letting them close to me is not worth the heartache...it really isn't. Kevin was telling me today that I should let people close to me...I told him no, each time I have I either get lied to, beaten, cheated on or they just simply walk at "no choice" of their own...ugh!!! I have to say that the top one reason is because I can't have kids...
It's always when I meet someone it's either because I can't have kids or because of x-wives...except for the exception of Paul, I had no problems with his x wife, she actually was glad that I made Paul and Holleigh happy and that I was a big part of Holleigh's life and knowing that if anything happened to her she knows that Holleigh would be well taken care of...plus the fact that Paul had no problems of me not being able to have kids, he didn't want anymore...he just had the bad temper and couldn't deal with his personal issues that he had with his mom so he took it all out on me.
Then I come home, I get a thing in the mail from my bank that my account is fucked up and I can't do a damn thing about it till the end of next week!!! I'm supposed to go to Texas in September due to family reasons, and well, I don't think that is going to happen, and then it's going to cost me 200.00 to register my car next month...gawd, I wish that I had money pouring out of my damn ears!!!!
The main thing that I am so upset about is the deal with Kyle. Why the hell are all guys wussies to us women? They're men, they are "supposed" to be stronger than us? Yeah, that's a laugh and a half! The saying is true, behind a strong man is a stronger woman!
I am soooo half tempted to just pack my shit and move back to Montana or move to Texas. Maybe I should just go to Virginia Beach where my brother is... But, I love it here in Denver...dammit, I need to find a roommate just to be able to even survive...but, that's a different story. Which I really don't need to think about right now and get more upset. I can't move anyway, cause that's all I need is for my family to remind me that I am running again. But, hey, what's new...I've been doing that for as long as I can remember...I swear, that's gotta be the only thing I'm good at that keeps me from being heartbroken or screwed over or whatever...run Mia run...Run like fucking hell and never look back!!!
What the hell is wrong with me??? I probably sound pathetic right now, but, I honestly don't give a shit. Diaries are meant to let out your frustrations and dammit, I'm going too. Right now I don't give a shit what people think of me, I'm a fucking loser anyway...ugh...I swear I'm being punished for something...and that I was meant to be alone...or something, who the hell knows...if you ever figure it out, please tell me because I don't know anymore. I've been feeling like this for a very long time, just the deal with Kyle just topped it off for me to just finally blow up...
What the hell am I supposed to do in this life? Obviously something or else I wouldn't be here...I survived my many attempts at suicide in the past so, there must be a reason that I'm here...but what? Serving a purpose of showing what it's like to just survive alone no kids, no boyfriend, no nothing...I get up, work, come home, go to sleep and get up again for work...the same damn routine which gets fucking old...all my friends are going out with someone or is fucking married or whatever....Do I have to go back to being a total bitch like I used to??? who the hell knows...but, it's getting fucking old!!!
Sorry, but, fuck, I am so damn pissed and upset with the situation with Kyle...I just really feel...ugh, hell, I don't know what I feel at the moment. I need to cool down, and I am at a stump on how to at the moment...
Well, I think everyone has had enough of my bitching, hell, I have myself as well. I think I'm just gonna go and play a game online...maybe that will help me calm down...laterz
