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2004-05-10 @ 3:42 p.m.

So, Iíve decided not to call and leave mom a message and this is only because I know that with her it will just make things worse. Dad called me this morning and he said that he told her that she couldnít continue to ignore me because when she needs something from me sheís going to have to call me. Dad said to just let her cool down. I flat out told dad Iím not calling there at the house anymore though. Iím not going to sit and argue with her. I really hate it when mom does this to me. Last time we didnít talk for 3 months. When I was still married, we got into a huge argument that she came and attacked me and started strangling me with her bare hands and I stood there. It took my dad and my x-husband to split us apart. Sean asked me why I just stood there and I told him that if this is what will make her happy then let her do it, she is the one that has to live with what she has done to me, not I. But of course Iím still here today.

When I was younger I used to always wonder why my mom didnít like me and treated me horribly and unfair all the time and how my brother was the one who was spoiled and was able to get away with everything. As I got older I realized that my mother treats me the EXACT same way that my grandmother treated her growing up. My grandmother disliked my mother too and when my grandmother lived with us for 4 years when we lived in Guam, my grandmother treated me like she did my mother. And up until my grandmother passed 3 years ago my mother took care of her more than the other kids and my mother expects from me the same that she did for her mother. And only to a certain point can I do that. But my mother doesnít seem to understand. I know that she is set in her old ways and I understand what she has been through but I canít handle anymore how she treats me the same. You would think that she would make it different for her own daughter but nope.

My mother and my grandmother have done so much to me that haunts me throughout my life but I learn to deal with it. I still get nightmares from everything. Not only what I went through with my mother and grandmother but also from when Sean and Paul used to verbally and physically abuse me. And people wonder why I have depression and why I fight it so much.

The other night I explained to Dan that if I happen to hit him during my sleep to wake me because of my nightmares. Well apparently Iíve already done so a couple of times when he first started staying at my house. But he said that he figured what was up with my nightmares. He knows about what Sean and Paul has done to me and understands that I get nightmares. And he was explaining to me a nightmare that he was having that night as well. It was horrible about a guy beating the crap out of a dog. It was so sad.

This is why I am so happy that Dan has entered my life. As I said before heís a very positive person and he has placed such a positive influence on me that helps me day by day. And I do love him for who he is. Heís made a big difference in my life and I thank him for walking into my life. Heís everything that Iíve wanted in a partner.

So anyway, as it sits right now, I plan on not calling at the rents and just let things cool down. Now Iím having my cousin in Texas calling constantly today and I have no clue why but I donít plan on calling because I have a pretty good idea what it is and well, simple as that anyway, Iím not calling. I just canít handle much more family stress right now.

Well, I better get going for now, itís just about time to go home and Iím chilliní tonight. Blessed Be!!

Much Love~