Missing Paul and Holleigh 2003-10-16 @ 12:03 p.m.
I'm sitting here working at my desk, and all of a sudden I just start having tears roll down my face. I'm really missing Paul and Holleigh today, and realized that I feel so empty without them. When I'm with Michael, I feel like I'm lying to myself trying to move on when honestly I feel like I'm not ready. But, I don't want to put my life on hold or else it will just pass me by. I've put my life on hold so much already. February will be two years that Paul and I have split up, and the holidays coming around again and they are not here with me to share it with. I really hate not having them in my life, yet I don't want to go through the things again that tore us apart. I just feel like I am lying to myself on a daily basis. I feel like I don't know myself anymore, where I want to go, which way to go. I don't want to be 40 and be alone. I'll be 35 years old in 4 months and I didn't expect to be feeling the way that I am. I'm sitting here and at 11:30 just couldn't take it anymore and decided to just get up, sign out for lunch and go for a walk hoping that I can get some of this feeling out...I walked 15 blocks one way and 15 blocks another, speed walking, and now I'm back and I still don't feel any different. Is it possible that everytime I get this way he is thinking about me too and feeling the same? I don't know. I honestly don't.I feel like I am having such a hard time putting my heart back together, letting go of Paul, but, I'm trying. Gawd, I am trying so damn hard and it isn't an easy task. I have never had such a hard time like this over anyone and honestly, I don't know how to handle it. But, I know that I have to somehow. I find myself wanting to move out of Colorado and back to Montana, but, I don't know. I have a car payment that I must keep up. I can transfer within my job, but, how long would that take to get all the paperwork done, and where will the financial resources come from for that? I don't have it. But, I don't know what to do, I'm having such a hard time financially that I can't even think straight. So, between my heartache and my financial, and I love living here in Colorado, yet, can't really afford it unless I get a roommate because I definitly can't afford to move to a completly different complex...oh I hate my life, so many complications that I don't know what to do with anymore.
Well, I better get back to work. I'll write more later and let you all know how I am feeling then....
Blessed Be!!
~V~
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