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The memories and the pain

2003-07-05 @ 11:30 p.m.

For those of you who have read my last entry which was my MOST DEFINITE final good-bye to Paul. I have to admit, it hurts terribly. I hate the fact that I have to finally do this once and for all, and I feel just so empty inside. I miss him so so much, and I just love him so much. This is why in my whole life that I have never let anyone get so close to me, or let myself fall in love, because the pain is just so unbearable. This is the pain that I never wanted to feel or go thru. I feel like I lost part of my soul when I lost him, and especially now. Now that I have truly expressed to him more than I have ever told him about my deepest feelings for him. I do have to admit, that I did fall in love once in my life, we had everything planned for our future of what we wanted, where we wanted to go, when we were going to get married, everything. Of course, we were 13, believe it or not...and things fell apart because his step-mom was prejudice. Since then, I didn't let anyone close to me. Paul on the other hand, my feelings for him and letting him close to me was much much stronger than what it was with Chad when I was 13. I was 13, thought I knew what true love was, I mean to this day I still think about Chad every once in a while, but, I just wasn't as close to him as I was with Paul. And as I stated in my letter, I never did let my x-husband Sean get close to me like I have with Paul.

With everything that has happened with Paul, and him going in and out of my life right now...and how much I still love him, how long is this feeling of hurt going to last? I want these hurt feelings to stop, but, I don't know how to make it stop. I just want to heal from it all, but, when does the healing begin? I feel afraid deep down to even go on dates but, I try so hard to push myself hoping that it will help, but, it doesn't. I just don't have the interest for some reason.

I want so much for things to work for Paul and I. But, I can't continue to try unless he is willing too. Right now, with him going in and out of my life, especially the last few months, I just feel like he's playing with my heart and my feelings for him. But, I know that he isn't...after seeing him a few weeks ago and he admitting how much he still loves me and misses me, I honestly don't think he realizes in his mind what he's doing to both of us. It's ripping me apart. I just want to crawl into the closet and never come out because I don't want to deal with it all. But, I have to.

I truly hate feeling all of this hurt, this broken heart, emptiness, the lonlyness of missing him, and loving him so much. I have never in my life felt this much hurt over someone, and for so long. How do I let go? How do I walk away each time he walks back into my life? Why is it that when I feel like I'm heading in the right direction of healing, he walks back in at the right moment, and then I feel like I am starting over again with the healing process??? I honestly don't know how much more I can handle feeling hurt like this. I feel lonely not having someone in my life, but, yet when I try to move on, and I go on a date or whatever, I start to feel like I want to be alone.

I feel like my head is just so fucked up not knowing what to do...but, yet, my head knows where I should be going and that I need to heal and move on but, my heart doesn't want too. My heart and soul wants Paul and Holleigh back...but, yet my head knows that things may or may not work, and that there's the possibility of him hurting me again...the hitting, the fighting, the verbal abuse I get from him as well as the emotional abuse. My head knows that counceling is needed for him to stop those things...but, my heart feels like that our love should be strong enough to conquer it all...but, is it?

I miss him, I truly and deeply love and miss him so damn much. I honestly don't know which way to go with all of this...I don't want to be lonely anymore...yet, there are times that I don't mind it. I miss coming home and Paul is there, already have dinner made, or is in the process of making dinner, making something that he just thought of out of the blue...he's a very good cook, and always comes up with creative ideas. Then there's Holleigh, we would have her every other weekend, on Friday's when I come home from work, Paul had already picked her up from her mom's, I walk in the door and she comes running to greet me screaming my name and I get big hugs and kisses from her and listening to her gab and gab about everything all at once that she has done from the last time she saw us up until I get home and tells me what her and daddy did that day while I was at work. She used to always want to go to work with me and be my helper...she would wash one plate for an hour or longer to make sure it was clean and wanted to make sure that she was the best helper. She picked up a lot of little habits of mine and made sure she didn't forget to do it in her routine, especially with brushing her teeth and then shaking her toothbrush against the sink like I do. I miss our little tea parties and our little pretend breakfast that she would make for me on her little kitchen set making sure that I had my pretend coffee and that daddy had some too. I miss our little shopping sprees, while I'm driving, we would always sit there and sing our abc's and 123's then she would just start laughing and call me a silly goose. I remember our very long trip to Tennessee, Paul insisted we drive straight thru, a 22 hour drive...Holleigh and I gabbed so much, it drove him was just funny...and the "are we there yet" comment every five minutes. It's not easy going on a 22 hour road trip with a 4 year old (well, she was 4 at the time) what a handful...but, she loved every minute of it. Holleigh and I used to tease Paul all the time, just silly little things and pretending to whisper stuff about him and then we would both tickle him when he least expected it. It was always a routine that when we read to her, we all had to wear our Mickey Mouse ears, it was required by Holleigh. And then the endless months of always watching The Little Mermaid, then the next few months it would be Dumbo...Paul and I always knew the words to all the songs to Dumbo. Of course, we can't forget the Tigger movie. There was one day, Paul was downloading music on the computer, Holleigh and I would go in the other room and when a good dance song came on, her and I would come out one by one and start dancing and being all goofy then making Paul dance with us, he used to tease us about how we came out of the room one by one in line behind each other and he would never know which door we would come out of, then when he would play a song that wasn't a good dance song she would go out there and specifically tell him we wanted a dance song and that it had to be good...I guess you just had to be there, it was sooo funny.

I miss all of Paul's little notes that he would send me via e-mail everyday all day just to chat...and telling me how much he loves me and even though he knew what time I would be home, he would still ask. He would have our evenings planned out, what was for dinner, etc...and always made sure that it was something we both wanted to do...occasionally there were times that it was what he wanted...but, somehow we always had a nice evening.

I guess I should stop's probably not helping. But, I read somewhere that letting it all out is the best thing to do, that it's part of the healing process...but, honestly, sometimes I don't see it that me it just feels like the hurt is getting worse. If letting it all out and all this crying is supposed to help then why do I still feel like we just split up yesterday after over a year???

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas for me...I would sooo greatly appreciate it. Because honestly, I don't know how to handle it anymore. I feel like I'm falling back into my depression deeply with all of this hurt and get confused with if its just my heart hurting or is my depression taking over because I'm hurting so much...ugh.


Blessed Be!!