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2003-04-22 @ 10:27 p.m.

What a day!!! It's been a long one and being in a weird kinda bitchy and probmatic mood just really didn't help!!!

I was on the train this morning on my way to work, and as usual staring out the window if I'm not looking and wondering what people around me are either doing or thinking, but, anyway, I was sitting there watching the outside world go by me while the train was moving and well, it just dawned on me that I feel like my life is meaningless. I don't know or understand why that just popped into my head all of a sudden or even why I feel that way a lot of times.

I know that sometimes I feel like my world is falling piece by piece around me and not being able to control what is happening around my life or to me is really pissing me off yet makes me feel miserable.

I wonder...why am I here? Am I here just to work my ass off and give my money away to everyone, money that I work so hard for yet can't enjoy. Is there a purpose for me being here? Because if there is...I sure the hell would like to know what it is!! I feel like I'm waiting for my life to happen...but, what am I waiting for? Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? If so, right now I'm not liking it very much. And the shitty part of it is not know what it is that is going to make me happy, to make me move forward to the goals I want to accomplish...I have it all set in my mind what I want to do, what I want to go for, but, why is it that I can't seem to motivate myself to do it??? Or figure out where I want to start, or even how to start...what am I waiting for? Why am I waiting? Who am I waiting for? Where am I going? Yadda Yadda Yadda...

The mysteries of life...what joy...there's times that life is fun...but, unfortunatly it isn't right now. And been feeling this way off and on for quite sometime. Can I just say that IT REALLY SUX ASS!!!!! ugh. I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow, hopefully soon! I've been finding myself feeling meaningless so much lately like there is something missing in my life to make it complete and feel happy, I just don't know what it is. Sleepless nights are not helping!

I've always believed that life is supposed to go the way that it should, things will happen the way that they are supposed to...just sometimes so much lately, I'm not liking where it is going, what it is doing to me, in my heart, and in my head. I try to stay positive as much as possible, it's just really hard to put on that mask on a daily basis, but, I do...until I am alone and when I come home...there's no one to come home to but my bird, but, it's not really the same. I feel like a different person when I am alone compared to when I am with other people. I don't let others see the things that bother me deeply, I guess afraid that my friends or family will judge me...and I hate that.

All I know is that there is something missing in my life and I don't know what it is! And I wish to God that someone or something let me know what it is that is missing from my life because to be honest...I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this, I really don't. **sigh**

I'm hoping that I can get a decent night sleep tonight, this up late and up early, they don't go very well together...not at all. Maybe I just really need a good kick in the ass or something...who knows...hell, I don't even know.