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2003-07-25 @ 7:29 p.m.

Thank goodness today is Friday!!! GRRRRRR!!!! Well, I think I'm a bit more calmed than I was yesterday, but, I was just a total bitch today at work, well, I am in general. I feel like I'm falling back into my old self of just being a bitch. For some reason, at times it seems to feel more comfortable with me. I'm open minded, but, geez, I think sometimes I'm too open minded, and too damn nice and understanding on so much.

Kevin and I talked so much today. He knew I wasn't myself today. What little does everyone know that I put a mask on everyday. No one knows the real me but myself. And I keep that to myself because whenever I am myself no one really likes me at least that's the impression that I get.

Jenn and I talked a lot about the situation with Kyle today. Speaking of Kyle, I didn't hear anything at all from him today, so, I guess this is the start of it all. I guess we'll see if it was meant to be if he does come back like he promised. Jenn and I came to realize that there has got to be more to the situation than what Kyle is telling me, and we say this because what all of a sudden happened was completly out of the ordinary for him. So, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and let him deal with and settle the things that he needs to do with this situation with his x-wife. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him though. I honestly foresee that I probably won't hear anything from him for at least 3 months, maybe 6 at the most. So, we'll see. And we'll figure things out at that time when and if he does come back. Kyle has never broke a promise to me since we were together and I honestly don't see him doing it either. I know it must have been hard for him today not speaking with me today I know it was for me. We were inseperable. When we weren't together we were either on the phone during the evenings and text messaging during the day while working. We always looked forward to seeing each other, being together spending as much time together along with the girls. It was like it was the world was going to end so we had to spend so much time together, which neither one of us had any problems with that. These last few days since Sunday night was the first time we have been away from each other so much and today was the first day that we didn't talk to each other at all, no messages, calls or anything. Just our thoughts of thinking about each other. That's all that we have right now, the question is, for how long? Jenn asked me if I would take him back when he came back and my quick answer, absolutly!!! Neither one of us have felt so happy in our lives until we met. If we weren't together or talking on the phone or text messaging each other, we were e-mailing each other, looking forward to our e-mails from each other. I miss his e-mails that he would send so early in the morning just to say good morning and to have a great day and then he would call me when I am on my way to work to make sure I got to work ok, and again to wish me a great day. ***sigh*** there's so much about him that this situation that all of a sudden happened was definitly not like him. Not at all!!! So, I guess all I can do is go on with my life without him until he returns.

I'm still upset and pissed about the whole thing, but, there really isn't anything that I can do about it. There really isn't. As the saying goes, if you love something set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be if it doesn't then it never was. (or something like that, you get my drift) lol.

So, today, I've just been bitchy...not all because of Kyle, not at all. Just everything that's been going on in my life lately. I have no clue which way I'm going, or if I'm coming for that matter. I'm at a stump how to correct my financial situation, my personal issues with myself, let alone figure out if I will be going to Texas or not in September. It's extremly important that I go. My cousins called me last night asking if I will be there because they really want me there. And I want to be there, I really do. My cousin Tim keeps asking me, when are you moving here? I don't know, I honestly don't. I don't know if I want to really. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I love it here in Denver, but, I miss my family. I love my privacy of being alone, but, sometimes I don't. And if I move to Texas or anywhere that I have family I won't get my privacy all the time. And I know eventually it will eat at me. I didn't move to Denver from Montana just to get away from my x-husband, I moved here to get away from everyone and to find myself. I know that if I tell my parents I want to move back to Montana, they would be here in a heartbeat to get me moved back...but, if I go to Texas, no one will help me to get there right away, even if I decide Virginia, who's gonna help me get moved? I want to so much be near my family and have them around, but, times I wonder, at what cost to my sanity. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful family and I love them with all my heart, they come first in my life before myself. But, there are just some things that I can't handle when I am with family, no one in particular because it's not them that is the problem, it's me. I'm the problem. I'm the rebel. I'm the one that can never do anything right. I'm the failure. I'm the one that doesn't know what I want in my life. I'm the one that screws everything up. I'm the one that gets in the way. I'm the one that is the outsider. And according to my mother, I'm the one that is stupid and can't get anything right. No matter what I do, I can't get anything right in my life. And you know what, she's right. She's ALWAYS right. ALWAYS!!! I wish they all knew what I feel inside, what goes through my mind without me telling them because when they ask, I can't explain it...aren't they supposed to know? But, I guess my charade is so damn good that at times it even fools me.

My mother feels that she is always right, and granted she usually is eventually just not at that moment all the time. I want so very much to just cry on my mother's lap and for her to tell me that everything will be alright with no lecture to follow her comment. I just want her to listen, to understand why I am the way that I am, to know the person that I am, how my depression rips me apart day after day and how much it is a struggle for me fighting it on a daily basis. Understanding what I feel inside about how it tares me apart that I can't have children, how I hate myself for getting sick with Endometriosis, how I hate myself for all the mistakes that I have made in my life, the choices that I have made, why I made them and to understand them. I just feel like I can't tell anyone in my family because I know that I am being judged. I can see it in their faces when I tell them the things that I can tell and what they are thinking. Everyone has someone in my family, I'm the only one that doesn't. That's a big part of why I live here in Denver alone with no family because I'm not being judged. At least with people that aren't related to me if they judge me fuck them, who the hell cares. But, I can't do that with my family and I won't do that to my family. I won't say screw it if they judge me because my family is all that I have, they are my true friends. It's just, I can't show them the true me and what I struggle with on a daily basis so, I run away, away in another state and rarely visit, rarely call and never write. I know my family loves and cares for me but, do they even care about my struggles. I know, we all have struggles, but, how many people in my family suffer the things that I do deep down that I have suffered since I was a child? I'm probably being selfish and I'm sorry. But, the only time I ever hear from anyone in my family is if they need something or if they want to bitch at me. I guess the reason I accept people for who they are, flaws and all is because all I want is for them to accept me as well. I just feel like I struggle so much. I look at my family members and granted they too have the normal issues as any typical family with financial issues and such, but, they always seem to always be happy though. They don't feel alone, they don't feel the depression, they don't know what it is like to just feel empty on a daily basis, night and day. It's like having a smile on their face is so easy for them to do, they don't have to think about it, it's just there because something in their life is making them happy. Why can't I ever feel like that? Do they have the constant nightmares like I do of the repeated beatings that I got since I was a child, the beatings that I got from my relationships, the hauntings of never having children of my own. lalala...Don't get me wrong though, I love my family very very much...These are just issues that bother me so very much and things that I deal with on an everyday basis within myself.

Well, I think that I have blabbed enough...till later...ciao kids....