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Feelings of lonliness

2003-05-10 @ 10:53 a.m.

Lately I've been just feeling so damn lonely. I miss my family, I hate to admit, but, I miss Paul and Holleigh. In the last year I have not been able to mend my broken heart since we split. I think about them every single day. I know that I cannot be in another relationship with him, but, right now and in the last year I have been so lost without having him in my life and without having my only step daughter Holleigh in my life. I miss Holleigh a great deal, I think about her 24/7, and it breaks my heart that Paul won't let me see her like he promised. I try so hard to go out on dates, I'm asked all the time and I break them all the time. I feel like I'm having such a hard time moving on. Even just to have him in my life as a friend would be fine, but, he makes it so difficult for us to even be friends. I'm still angry that he used me the last time I saw him. Does he not realize how much he hurt me even more?

He did give me a recent picture of Holleigh and I have it on my desk at work, and there are days that it is so hard for me to look at her picture because I miss her so much. I'm wondering if Paul will let me see her on her birthday in June. She'll be 6 years old. Her first birthday that I will miss. And it breaks my heart so much. She filled a void in my life the void that I can never fill myself of having children of my own. I hate the fact that I can never have children of my own and the fact that I can't change that.

Why did I have to get sick with endometriosis? I feel like I have been punished, that I don't deserve children. It's not fair! I know, life isn't fair, and things happen for a reason, but, it still isn't fair. And deep down I am still very very angry about it. If I ever had the chance to change my life, the one thing that I would change is to not have endometriosis, but, unfortunately that card was dealt to me for my life. I'm still trying to figure out the reason this happened to me, why me? Why?

Sometimes I wish that my endometriosis would have just killed me like it was doing. I wish that I didn't put a stop to that because I hate the suffering that goes with it. I hate it!!!