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It's time to move on and LIVE!!

2004-01-26 @ 9:07 p.m.

I'm so happy! I finally sold my MPV. Didn't get exactly what I wanted, but got the lowest price that I would take for it. I just finally broke down and lowered the price as much as I could. It's the last thing that was left that Paul and I had together, and now it's gone. No more things to think about when I look at the MPV. I hope that James will be happy with it. It's a great vehicle just that jam in the transfer case which he is getting fixed now.

Presently, still working my butt off with so much overtime at work, and alas getting things caught up finally. It's little by little, but, it's getting there.

My holiday party for work that I put together was a success! Everyone had a blast at the party and loved the food. It's the most elegant party that I ever put together and I didn't have to pay a dime! It's amazing what you can put together with a budget of $5000.00! We had it at a really nice country club here in town, and the directors that I worked with at the country club were so wonderful.

I got pretty wasted at the party, and I think I've conquered my fear of talking in front of people because I had no problems at all doing it. I received so many compliments about how beautiful everything was and was told that the office has never had such an elegant party like this one. And that it was beyond everyone's expectations. It was semi-formal and everyone dressed for it. We didn't think everyone would, but, they did and everyone had a great time. Well, as I was drinking away, I did another thing that I would never do when I'm sober, actually, this is the first time I ever did this, but, I gave the bartender my phone number and told him, "if you don't have a girlfriend, call me" I have to say, when I woke yesterday morning, I was surprised with myself for doing that considering I normally wouldn't do something like that.

I'm getting more and more gutsy with things that I do as I heal from my broken heart. My best friend really made me think after a comment that she said to me, "It just really sucks to watch you suffer over a complete idiot of a man. He is so retarded if he can't see what's right in front of him. His loss not yours. It's been 2 years and he's not proven himself worthy or changed in any way shape or form. You just have to get yourself to a point where you don't care anymore. Not to say you can't save some little shred of love for him... but you really just have to stop caring because he obviously doesn't return the favor. Loving him and letting a memory or thought of him run your life or how you do things are 2 different things." And it just made me think, "Oh God, she's right, I am suffering and my closest friend can see it more than I can" I guess I just needed someone to tell me. There's more that she told me, but, that was the jest of it that really made me think. Another thing that she pointed out about Holleigh: "As far as Holleigh's concerned... love her, miss her all you want. It's not her fault and she had no control over the situation. She can't help it if her dad is an asshole. There's nothing she can do at this point. Maybe someday she'll hunt you down... but she's not at that point yet. I realize the Holleigh part is extremely painful to you and I understand that. Not moving on with your life and living your life isn't a solution to easing the pain of her. Write your journal to her, write her letters... whatever but don't let memories hold you back. You are about to get your life back on track ... do what you want for a change. You're better than him." And you know what, she's right. I love and miss Holleigh so so much, and it is extremely painful without her in my life, but, at this point and time, there's nothing that I can do about it. So, it's time to move on and to just continue to write to Holleigh in my journal that I have made just for her. I made the journal the last day that I saw her in September 2002. **sigh**'s time to move on, and have fun with my life. But, at the present time, I must bust my butt and get this overtime in to get things caught up so that I can enjoy my life.

Well, I'll leave for now and will return soon.

Blessed Be!!

Much Love...