2004-04-08 @ 10:58 p.m.
I wonder that all the time. As I've been told by many I think too much. And it's true, I do. I'm a Pisces, what do you expect.
I don't know. I just really wonder sometimes. I mean, I've had so much shit happen to me in my lifetime of 35 years that I just wonder.
I've been through life being raped, molested, teased until I was literally in tears, beaten when I was younger, beaten by my x-husband, and my x-boyfriend who also wished me dead on the plane when I was flying back from visiting my brother among other things. I've been verbally and emotionally abused. I've had the chance of a lifetime that every woman deserves which is to have a child and that was taken away from me due to Endometriosis, I had the opportunity to be a step mom to Holleigh and loved it, and she was stripped out of my life too because her father decided he wanted to be more of an ass...and with all this I suffer from depression.
I'm Bipolar-Manic Depressive and I have OCD and I thank God everyday that I have my depression under control. Thanks to the wonder drug of Paxil. But, it was hell when it wasn't under control. I've tried taking my own life many times and the worst being in 1998. And now that I have it under control, I sometimes wonder, what the hell I was thinking? Then I wonder, what am I being punished for? Why me? Why did these things happen to me? It's not fair.
Although, life just isn't fair, but, it still sticks in my mind that no one deserves to be treated this way. Yet I was. Whether life is fair or not, this shouldn't of happened.
Because of the events that have happened to me in my life it brings me down to my original question...why do people like me or hate me. I don't have very many enemy's and those that I do have were from high school, none in the present time that I know of anyway.
I'm so anal about a lot of things around me, such as like I stated in my previous entry seeing my house a mess. How I have things set up a certain way in my house, my kitchen utensils. How I shop that I never pull the first item. It always has to be towards the back. Granted that's common sense when it comes to food, but, I'm talking even items like shampoo, toilet paper, anything. Because when it comes to the items in the front people have messed with the items so I go for those in the back that I know wasn't sprayed or something or ripped open. I never buy dented can food because I wonder if the aluminum from the can cracks on the inside and gets in the food. Even if it's not food, if the can is dented I won't buy it.
Things like this, even more. But there is just way way way too much to list. Ask Jenn, she knows me so well and has seen me do these things on a constant basis.
I wonder how Jenn and Chelsa puts up with me and my silly little things that I do that other people wouldn't even think of doing. I sometimes also find myself wondering what it is that Dan sees in me, but he did tell me that my Aura is so bright that it makes me a good person.
My brother says that I run away from everything, that's why I'm here in Denver because I ran, ran away from all the pain and hurt that was caused by those that love me. I love my family dearly but I moved away from everyone. Mom says I'm better off alone. Dad says I just need to have someone that treats me well, and I feel that I found that in Dan. He does treat me very good. Normally I find myself pulling away when people treat me good, but, I don't find myself doing that with Dan because he doesn't try to control me like those in the past have done to me. And it's a good feeling that I'm NOT pulling away from Dan. And I don't plan on it.
As I get older I find myself learning more and more about life and what it's about. Understanding how people SHOULD be treated. I'm learning to be more open with my feelings and emotions, expressing what is on my mind like I always have but being more open with it. I'm learning not to hold things in and torture myself. I'm also learning and I thank Dan for this how it feels to be happy when someone special walks into your life and to take things as they go.
I've always believed in taking life as it is because no matter what happens this is how things are. Life goes the way it's supposed to. But, my problem is I never listen to myself when it's something so obvious. But, I'm getting to the point that I should listen to my own advice. They are always good when I give them to my friends I just never listen to my own. But, I think that's common for a lot of people.
It still hurts very deeply that I can never have children and that I will never see Holleigh again but, I've learned to not dwell on it.
There's more challenges in my life that I've yet to discover and each breathing day I'm discovering something new. Blessed Be!!
Much Love~
~V~
