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Life Changes

2004-03-18 @ 12:28 p.m.

Well, Tuesday things didnít pan out the way Dan and I had planned with the dinner of pot roast, but thatís all right, no biggy. Instead we went out and went bowling. We had such a blast. Since Luke broke his leg AGAIN, he wonít be bowling the last few weeks, so, Dan will be bowling as a pacer on my team. That boy can bowl! I told him that I wanted him on my team next season, and he wants to do it. So, weíll see.

Dan and I were planning on meeting up yesterday, but, here I was sicker than a dog and he got food poisoning from a breakfast burrito from 7-11. I guess the burrito was at least a day or two old, so, I told him the tricks of the trade when getting food like that. So, we didnít see each other yesterday but chatted on the phone for a few hours and gave him some home remedy tricks to help him feel better. And he did the same for me.

Weíll be meeting up on Friday after he gets off work and hang out on Saturday, go bowling for my league on Saturday and then weíre planning the movies afterwards. Although things can change between now and then but weíre still definitely hooking up this weekend. Whether we do something or not. Next Sunday, not this Sunday I will be going to church with him, yes, I said church. I know Jenn is reading this and going ďhuh?Ē lol

Jeffís memorial was Tuesday, and when I was in there in the church and just tears rolling down my face that it finally hit me about Jeff, I met his mom, and supported Suzette. But, I was sitting there in church and realized that I really need to start going to church again. I just havenít been finding one here that is old school, something Iím used to. Dan and I were talking about that last night and he mentioned that his is old school, so, I told him that I would check it out. So, I will be joining him to church next Sunday (not this coming). I would go with him this coming Sunday, but, he has to go to work right after so weíve decided that we will go together the following Sunday.

Iím hoping that going to church again will help me find myself again. Someone that I have lost long time ago. Iíve always believed that you donít have to go to church to believe in God, and you donít. But, right now, I feel that I need to get as close as I can and beg for forgiveness for the things Iíve done in my past and help me live my life again. I know, probably sounds corny and all, but, I may have Pagan in me, but, Iím still a true old school roman catholic. And I donít think anything will ever make me change that part of me of who I am. Iíve been doing so much soul searching recently, and Iíve never asked for help to heal. To heal things that have hurt me deep within my soul, and I feel that itís time that I ask. I feel like Iíve come to a point in my life that I need to let go of a lot of things A LOT of things, things that Iíve held deep within my soul that I no longer need, to release the weight on my shoulders.

I feel that I have to ask for forgiveness for the biggest sin that I have ever done to myself, and that is for the several times that I have tried to take my own life due to my depression among other things. I have almost succeeded in taking my life a few times yet never succeeded, and apparently there is a reason, and I donít think Iíll ever understand why Iím here until I beg for forgiveness for trying to take the life that God gave me. He gave me the chance to breath again several times. If I donít ask for forgiveness Iíll never understand the reason why I canít have children, or why I am here, etcÖso many questions that I need answers to and itís time that I finally ask. Iíve stayed away for so long that itís time that I come back.

You know, when I was first told that I couldnít have children, I was angry at the world, at everyone, including God because I donít know why I was punished like this when I did my best to save myself as much as possible, and I was stricken with the horrible disease of Endometriosis, it tore my world apart. Everything around me fellÖand it continued to fall for many years later. Funny thing, when this first happened my grandparents whom recently passed away tried to encourage me that I should go back to church to get my answers and of course the rebel that I am felt so angry that I didnít want to, I couldnít. I just felt that Iím being punished for something that Iíve done in my life, just didnít know what. And now, now that my grandparents are gone, all of a sudden I feel that something is pushing me to finally go and beg for my forgiveness and get the answers I have had unanswered for so many years. And it just may be them telling me itís time. Itís time to do this.

I guess Iím just rambling on, but, there is just so much of my life that I need to change, that Iím still trying to figure out how to change them, what needs to be changed, and that itís time that I grow up and realize whatís happening around me. Sometimes I wonder, ďam I hitting a midlife crisis?Ē makes me wonder. Because Iím at the point that I have so many questions about my life and have no clue where to find the answers. Itís time to look deeper, as deep as I can and find the answers that Iím looking for.

In the last few days I find myself wondering if Dan is an angel sent to me by my grandparents. Why do you ask? Well, never in my life have I met someone that I have so much in common with. Normally, I would be finding reasons why I donít want to date someone, and I donít find myself doing that with Dan. And it seems that maybe once upon a time he did that too yet he isnít doing that with me either. He told me about his fiancť that was killed by a drunk driver years ago and hasnít really been with anyone since, that it was just so devastating losing her that he always had reasons why he didnít want to date others. The only difference of my broken heart to his is that mine wasnít based on a death; mine was just broken due to abuse. Dan accepts me for me, everything, and he makes me laugh. No one has been able to make me laugh as much the way that he has with me. Iím comfortable with him, and he with me. Itís like weíve known each other forever yet we just met on Saturday. Just as I told Jenn, I donít plan on looking ahead with this or keeping my hopes up on anything to just fall again. This has become for once in my life something that I am going to take in day by day. Not expecting any thing just letting things go with the flow. Heís helping me with my self-esteem and he doesnít even know it. I wonder if I am with him too. That I donít know. But, this is definitely something that will be soaked in day by day. Iíve never met anyone like him where I can just be myself and he has no issues with it. And I have no issues with him being himself. So, it makes me wonder sometimes if heís an angel sent to me by my grandparents. I donít know, and Iíll probably never know, but thatís ok. You take what life gives you, the good and the bad. Itís just a matter of how to deal with it is all. And itís taken me many years to figure that out, although, I still havenít figured out how to deal with the things that arise, and to control my stress levelÖonce upon a time I did, but, now, no. Dan is a good guyÖnot very often I meet a good guy that makes me smile. Heís my angel in disguise. We met the old fashion way, through friends. Not through the Internet, or the dating phone lines or whatever, but, in person through friends the old fashion way, and those are always the best.

Iím sure that to a lot of my friends they may find it a bit shocking that I plan on going back to church on Sundays but, I honestly think that this will be good for me. I feel that it will help release all this weight on my shoulders and on my chest. Thank you to Dan, Iím truly starting to let Paul go, he helps me realize a lot of things such as how much we didnít have in common, that there is someone good that does exist and accepts me for me with no boundaries. And I him. Itís starting to really show how much Paul used me, hurt me and broke my heart and makes me question why I was in love with someone that I didnít have anything in common with. My mother told me when I was getting my divorce that I would meet someone someday that would make me truly happy, and I honestly thought that person was Paul. But, now, I donít know, I really donít know. There is so much that Dan is helping me realize and open my eyes and he doesnít even know that heís doing this to me. And honestly, itís a good feeling. As the days go by my heart feels like itís healing little by little, I understand that it will still take time, but I honestly feel that my healing process from within has begun. My heart feels lighter, and I donít feel my heart stopping me with Dan from anything like it has with others before him because of the broken heart that Paul gave me was just so drastic. Now, Iím not saying that Paul will never be in my heart, because he always will, and I will always love him but, I canít dwell on the past anymore. I canít hope and wish for something that will never happen again. And I donít want the abuse in my life anymore. Paul is slowly becoming a memory, and that is what I want it to become, a memory that I will treasure yet still able to move on with my life and find my soul mate or he find me that I can spend the rest of my life with. I once thought that person was Paul, but, now, I truly know that it isnít, especially after realizing so much that Paul and I lacked in our relationship.

Jenn especially will probably be shocked by all of this, but, I know she loves me one way or another no matter what just as I her. But, Iím starting to realize a lot about myself. And all I want is to be happyÖso, eventually Iíll figure it out, and the only way now is to get closer to my answers.

Much Love,

~V~


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