2003-07-04 @ 1:09 a.m.
Hi sweetie...how are you doing? I hope that you are doing well. Things are going good here. Finally got my system up and running again. It so happened that the cpu fan went out on my system, of course I didn't discover that until I purchased and installed a new hard drive (yes, did it all on my own). And it still wouldn't boot up...anyway, it ended up being the cpu fan, and thank goodness it didn't fry anything in my system.
I'm writing because I just need to tell you some things about how I'm feeling, etc. This is something that I have to do for myself, and express to you one last time my feelings for both you and Holleigh. I NEED to do this to help me let go of us and move on. After this letter, you don't have to worry because you probably won't hear from me again. That will be all up to you how you want to handle this.
I know that you are VERY aware that I still love you deeply with all my heart and soul. I wanted you to know that you have always been and always will be a part of me, both you and Holleigh. A part of me and a part of my life for as long as I live. I have never in my life loved anyone so deeply and truly opened my heart as I have with you. And I want you to know that no matter who I am with or even if I ever get married again, it will always and forever be you in my heart and in my soul. The moment we met, actually the moment I heard your voice that first Sunday night on October 2, 1999 when we spoke, I knew that night that there was a truly deep connection between us, and grew stronger when we met in person the next evening at Greenfields. That night in Greenfields I fell in love with you, I was comfortable with you and I knew that we would have something between us even though we would be traveling a difficult road together. And till now, even after all of the events that has happened between us, I still feel so much in love with you today as I did that moment we met. I knew at that moment that you were the man that was in my dream that I told you about that I would truly be in love with and open my heart to.
All my life, even when I was married, I kept my heart closed and I didn't let myself get close to anyone because I didn't want to deal with the hurt that came along with getting my heart broken. Then one day, I met you. And that moment, things changed in my life, I opened my heart, I let myself get close to you and I let myself fall in love with you. The love that I feel for you is so much stronger and much much deeper than the love I felt with my x-husband. I never loved him the way that I love you. I was never in love with him the way that I am with you. And I never opened my heart and get close to him as I have with you. My heart wasn't broken when he and I split as mine is with you. You meant and still do mean the world to me, both you and Holleigh. You both were my world, you are my world, and you always will be my world whether we are together or not. In my whole life I have never felt this empty until the day that I lost you and Holleigh. Both you and Holleigh were my life, my love, my bestfriends, and most of all my family. The family that I thought that I would never have in my life.
I'll tell you a secret that I have with myself that I have never told anyone. The day that I was told that I could not have any children of my own, my world of having a family died inside me. Everything inside me died. I felt afraid and lonely. Worried that no one would ever want me because I can't have kids, I can't provide a family for anyone, not even myself. I was angry at God for robbing me of a precious gift that every woman is destined to carry, give birth, and raise a child of their own. I was angry at my mother for having me because I felt that it was her fault too that I got this horrible disease of endometriosis. I was angry to those that molested and raped me as a child thinking that when I was raped that they damaged my insides so much that I couldn't have children. I was angry at myself because I got sick and didn't know why, and to this day I still don't know why. My biggest fear came true that I was worried about before I had my surgery that my marriage would fall apart (it already was) even more because I couldn't provide a family. I was angry at myself because I couldn't give my parents grandchildren, and I was angry with myself because I have to suffer everyday for the rest of my life for getting sick and suffer the consequences. And to this day I feel that I was being punished for something. I had so much anger built inside me because I couldn't have kids of my own, I went into a deeper depression than I ever have been in my life and I didn't want to live anymore. I felt worthless. And when I got my divorce, my next fear that made me angry and afraid was, will I ever find someone that accepts me for me flaws and all, my biggest flaw, not being able to have children...
Then one day, you and Holleigh came along, and it changed everything. It meant a lot to me when you told me that you didn't want to have any more kids. You told me, we have Holleigh, and that's all that we would need and that it didn't bother you at all that I couldn't have children. That even opened my heart more to you because you accepted that about me, my biggest fear...and you accepting it and that it didn't bother you truly made a difference to me knowing that you accepted this. Since that day that you told me that, my fear went away because I finally found someone that I already fell in love with and accepted the fact that I couldn't have children. And you were right, Holleigh was everything...and she still is and always will be. You sharing Holleigh with me made a big difference in my life, and I am truly, deeply grateful for that. Thank you. The day that you told me at the hockey game that there are times that you wished that I was her real mother because of how much she loves me and I her and how much you love me, that made me so happy when you told me that. I don't think anyone can imagine how happy I was when you told me that.
The day that you said I love you to me made me happy as well. Do you remember the day you told me? I do. Memorial Day 2001, 11:30 or so at night, when we were making love in the living room, that was the evening that Holleigh accidently wet the bed. Do you remember? I do as if it was yesterday. The moment you first told me that you love me, I cried, because I was happy, and when I cried, you held me so tight. A few days later, we were making love in the bedroom, and out of the blue you told me how much you love me. I cried then too. I have so many memories of us, so many. Memories that I will never forget. I still have all the e-mails that we wrote to each other when we first started dating, actually 2 years worth of e-mails printed. I just recently deleted from my hotmail the e-mail of when we broke up. Since that day that we split, even until now, I feel empty without you and Holleigh. For the longest time after we split, I cried every night. To this day, I still cry about what happened to us...not every night, but, enough. I cry missing you so much and I cry missing Holleigh so much. I even cry at times when I'm sitting at work and I start thinking about you, us, and all three of us as a family, and of Holleigh and how much I miss both of you, how much I love both of you. On Holleigh's birthday this year, I cried so much while I was at work, thank goodness no one could see me because I sit in the back with so much privacy. My boss Kevin was the only one who knew why I was so upset and kept checking up on me because I kept crying off and on that day and especially that night when I went to bed. I cried myself to sleep that night. Tomorrow is the 4th of July, the 2nd one that I will be spending alone without you and/or Holleigh. I cried last year on July 4th, because I was spending it alone without my family-you and Holleigh. You two ARE my family. And I'm sure again, I will be crying like I am right now as I am writing this to you.
This letter is just so difficult for me to write. But, I have to do this, I have to let you know everything of my feelings for you and for Holleigh. I'm sure that you are wondering why I feel that I have to write this to you. Well, because I think that it's about time that I let you go, as much as it is difficult for me, I have to. You keep coming in and out of my life and it's just hurting me too much. Things are all fucked up in my head and in my heart, and I just feel so empty. You need to decide if you want us to be in each other's lives then you need to quit running and we need to work on things, if you want us to be out of each other's lives, then we both need to truly let go of each other and move on. We either need to be in or out...we can't do both, it's just too hard for me, and I'm sure it is for you too. I'm leaving this up to you. I'm the one always trying to make things work even just as friends, but, I feel that I am doing this alone, and I can't do this anymore, I can't try anymore unless you are willing to try as well. It's all too draining, I can't keep feeling like this and wondering when I'll ever hear from you again. So, it's up to you now baby, because I'm drained...I'm only going to continue trying ONLY if you are willing...other than that, then this will be the last letter and my final good-bye.
I understand that you have had a lot happen lately, and I wanted so much to be there for you but, you wouldn't let me. There is so much that I want from you and want to do for you but, you don't want to give me anything and you won't let me give you anything. I know that you still love me and miss me, you even told me the last time we spoke and saw each other. I even saw it when we were having sex, well, I can't say it was just sex it was us making love to each other, I saw it in your eyes, your moves, and I know that you saw it in me too. I also saw the feelings that you still have for me when I came over to your house that one night before all the events took place with your mom. The feelings that we have for each other can't be denied...you know that and so do I. It's been over a year that we have been apart, August will be a year that I haven't seen Holleigh besides the picture that you gave me. And to this day, we both still have feelings for each other. Does that not tell you anything? Anyway, I also wanted to say thank you. Thank you for walking into my dream 4 years before I met you and for walking into my life, teaching me how to open my heart truly, teaching me how it feels falling truly and deeply in love with you and your daughter, especially falling in love with you. And most of all, for sharing your daughter with me and showing me how it feels to be a mom, and what it feels like to have a family of my own with you and Holleigh. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for what we had together. Nothing at all. Thank you for letting your daughter love me and look up to me as a step mom. That truly means a lot to me. And most of all, for you loving me and letting me be a part of your life.
I love you for you Paul. You're a wonderful person, both inside and out. Yes, you have flaws, but, you know what, I do too, these are the things that makes us who we are. If we were perfect, if everyone was perfect this would be a dull world. I just want you to know that I truly and deeply love you, you really mean a lot to me, and I want to be there for you, with you, beside you...forever. I want to forever be your bestfriend and you to be mine. I want to share my life with you and only you, and Holleigh of course. I understand that you have been having a hard time both in your past and in your present, I understand how you really didn't have the mother figure in your life and how it is difficult for you at times, and how much hurt that you must feel...I want to be there to help you heal, I've always wanted to be there to help you heal, just like I want you to help me. Maybe it's just me, but, I seriously feel that we were destined to be together, if we weren't, then why do we still have such strong feelings for each other after being apart for over a year? I have felt this way since the day that we met. When we split, it broke my heart, and you even told me yourself that it broke yours too...we obviously have something or else we wouldn't still be feeling the way that we do for each other after being apart for so long. I have not had a boyfriend since we split, there are times that it's difficult for me to go out on dates because it's not you, it's difficult for me to let someone in because they are not you. Whenever I have sex with someone else it's you who I see, it's you who I want to have sex with, make love too, cuddle with, do things with, it's you Paul, no one else but you that I want. I remember a few discussions that we have had where we wanted to make our relationship the best that we ever had and different from our past relationships and make things work for us...and that's all I wanted...I wanted us to quit arguing all the time and enjoying our life together, our relationship together. We may have had some bad times, but, we had more good times than we did bad times. And those in my opinion overrule the bad times.
Please don't ever forget how much I truly and deeply love you. Whether you decide for us to work things out or not, don't forget that once upon a time in your life you did have someone that truly and deeply love you for who you are, flaws and all. And I hope that you won't ever forget me, because I will never forget you and what we had. To me, you are my soulmate baby...and that is something that I will treasure for the rest of my life knowing that I did find my soulmate in you. You ARE and always will be the love of my life.
Good Bye My Love...Yers truly,
Mia
ps: I've attached the words to a song below by Garth Brooks, and the words to it fits how I feel about you, and hope that someday you'll understand why I love you so much.
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE (Garth Brooks)
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
