2003-04-12 @ 12:57 a.m.
I just wanted to ask if you are proud that you used me for a fuck. Are you? Again...you lied to me...!!!! Are you ever going to learn to be an adult and not use me or lie to me or treat me like shit? I didn't deserve for you to do that to me! Are you happy now? At first I was upset about it, now I'm fucking pissed off about it.
Why do you do this shit to me? Why? I really thought that we would be able to work things out to be friends. I don't know why I bother to try with you! I tried to make things work when we were in a relationship, when that was over, I tried to be friends with you, then I decided to give up having anything to do with you even though it hurt me deeply...then you contacted me after a year, and I debated about even talking to you or seeing you, but, then I decided I would not because I missed you or love you but because I thought that maybe you changed and that we would be able to try and have a friendship since we had so much space between us...I really thought that maybe you changed and was willing to let you back in my life and for us to work on a friendship...then you told me that you wouldn't or weren't using me, and I TOLD YOU I didn't want you to use me and I was stupid enough to believe you...gawd, I was so wrong on that one....!!! I was even debating about having sex with you, but, I did anyway...and I should not have done it!!!
We could of had a great friendship...hell, I even tried to be there for you when your mom passed away, and as usual you couldn't even let me be a friend to you during that difficult time...
I'm sorry, but, all I can say is that someday you're gonna wish that you didn't lose me as a friend, and hell maybe even as a girlfriend...I truly truly truly loved you...have you ever had any girlfriend or maybe anyone (excluding parents) that really loved you for who you are, flaws and all before me and after me...??? I know that you already told me that you haven't and that you're not used to someone loving you for you. If you really loved me like you said before and miss me then you would be able to understand how much you mean to me and how I feel or felt when I lost someone that I really loved because you would feel the same...but if you don't it's all because you are so damn stubborn.
Funny how you never really got to know me for me, and who I really am, because I am a very loving and caring person, you just never gave me the chance to show you, and you never would let me in to give yourself a chance know how it would feel to have someone that truly loved you for who you are, flaws and all. You broke me when you treated me like crap, you broke me when you said all the cruel things about me, how you wished that my plane would crash etc, you broke me when you beat the shit out of me and you broke me horribly not letting me see Holleigh like you promised, you even promised me that if we ever split up that you would still let me see Holleigh, and I only got to see her once!! You were standing there right next to me that day when Holleigh said that she wished that we still loved each other...you know how much that broke my heart? And I'm sure that it did you too! I think about that every damn day how much hurt that she must have felt knowing that her daddy and her Mia "don't love each other anymore". Those words that she said "I wish you and daddy would love each other again". It broke my heart terribly...and I know that you felt it too. You broke me when we split up when I had to break down and finally called it quits, and again a month ago you broke me again.
I can't let you do this to me anymore! It hurts enough thinking about Holleigh and missing her every single day! As well as you! It was hard not being with the two of you during Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, my birthday, your birthday, Easter coming up, Holleigh's 6th birthday coming up. All the holidays in between...Ugh...I miss the little shopping sprees that Holleigh and I would have, the road trips you and I would go on, all the fun we did have, everything...
Why the hell did you have to walk back into my life if your only intentions were to use me? I'm human and have feelings, just like you do. Do you get a kick out of it hurting me any way that you can?
After this e-mail, if you decide that you still want to talk to me, I would prefer that you truly want to be friends and not ignore me, hurt me, use me or treat me like shit...but, if your intentions are to just hurt me...then don't bother. You can't have your cake and eat it too...if you really did love me and miss me like you said...then you would think about everything...because this will be a decision that you will either be happy about or regret...it's all in your court now...I can't play these games with you anymore. I'm sorry.
Yers truly...
