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2003-07-21 @ 10:26 p.m.

Have you ever felt scared when something good is happening in your life that you're not used to? Well, I'm having that right now.

Things are going good with Kyle and I. His girls are wonderful and so is he, and as he said last night, and I quote "time sure flies too quickly when we're together" and it's so true. We always have a great time no matter what we're doing. It's awesome. I'm just scared that I'm going to fuck things up like I always do when things are going good with someone. I'm either pushing them away or running away.

I am honestly trying my hardest to not do either one of those. Kyle and I had a long talk about that today. We both like each other and we both don't want to jump in with both feet at the same time. This is what is so great about Kyle, we both can be open and honest with everything to each other, and it's not very often that you find that in someone.

I've always wanted to be with someone that is caring, understanding, honest, open and faithful, and I can never find all of those things in one person. I know that Kyle and I have only been seeing each other for about a couple of weeks give or take, but, he has all the qualities that I have ever wanted in a man. ALL the qualities that I have ever wanted, always looked for. He is a WONDERFUL father to his girls and he has such a wonderful big heart! A heart of gold! I have never said things like this about a man, but, he deserves the kind thoughts that I have about him.

Why am I so scared? I don't understand that when something is going good with someone I get scared. I am just literally feeling sick and upset to my stomach that my ulcer has started bleeding again, just been sick all night. Everything is just going so well that I'm not sure how to handle it. I've never been sick like this due to having everything going so well and worried that I'm going to fuck things up somehow. I know my ulcer is doing this because of me being afraid to screw everything up when it's going so perfect right now.

Everything is just going so great with us as well as with the girls...I know I'm going to screw things up, and I'm trying my hardest not too, I really am. I would so very much love for things between Kyle and I to last, I really do. I really like him quite a bit, and he's told me the same thing of how much he likes me. I know I probably sound like a teenager having her first boyfriend...he may not be my first boyfriend, but, he's definitly the first to have everything that I've wanted in the person that I want in my life.

And I have to say it was nice that we were able to talk everything out and compromise of what we want right now, and if things get serious then great, if not, then we would deal with it if and/or that time does come. He told me last night that I don't have to worry about anything, about a third person coming in...we've both been thru that in our marriages and it's something neither one of us wants.

I've heard that phrase so many times of not having to worry about a third person, but, he was very sincere about it and I truly believe him. I have no doubts in my mind with him, none...and it's such a wonderful's just that I'm not used to this feeling and I've made it a challenge for myself that I won't be running scared, and I won't be pushing him away either.

He's a wonderful person, inside and out and I do hope that things work out...but, only time will tell and that's what we plan on doing is let things go with the flow. I just wish that I wasn't so scared...but, I guess it is going to have to be another challenge for me to conquer. So, we'll see...we'll see...