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Insomnia or Insomniac??? You be the judge.

2004-11-09 @ 11:44 a.m.

Insomnia: Inability to sleep.

This is what I have been having since Dan had started working graveyard shifts. Iím so used to him sleeping next to me that when heís not there I canít sleep. I get so tired playing games online and so I get ready for bed, I crawl into bed and next thing you know Iím staring at the ceiling and tossing back and forth. Then I want to get up and play more online games hoping that I will get tired again, but instead I lay in bed, hoping that I will just doze off, I even try to meditate, watch TV, keep my eyes closed hoping that I can just fall asleep but it doesnít happen. I just toss and turn all over the bed.

Alas, Dan has a day off and he stayed at my house, what happens? I fall asleep curled up with him and in the middle of the night he gets me a glass of water from coughing so much due to allergies and too much smoking, and he looks at me and asks if Iím alright, I say yes, thank you. And what does he tell me with a chuckle? I pushed him off the bed! Iíve never pushed him off the bed. He says Iím making angry noises in my sleep, Iím having nightmares. I apologize to him for pushing him off the bed and we fall back asleep. I guess itís because he isnít there next to me like always because of the graveyard shifts, yet when heís not there, I canít sleep.

And so the following mornings that he isnít there with me I wake up exhausted because I did not have much of sleep and I never know when I do fall asleep because usually the last time that I have looked at the clock is usually about 2-3 hours after I have laid down for the night, how long after that when I fall asleep I do not know. Tonight Iím hoping to get some sleep since Dan will be there tonight. Heís off today-thank goodness and weíll be able to spend some time together before he tackles on another week of graveyard shifts.

Last night I watched Cold Mountain. I cried. I cried like a baby! I wasnít too impressed with the ending of the movie yet I sobbed for at least 20 minutes after the movie was done. The last time I did that from a movie was the first time I watched Bridge Over Madison County. I can understand why this movie received so many awards. I definitely want to get this movie on DVD.

Iíve decided not to go home for Christmas this year. Iím going to find a part time position for the Christmas season and work my full time job as well. Iíve already requested time off for Christmas and so I will take that time for myself to do other things around my house as well as work part time. Jenn will be in Phoenix and Dan will be in Wisconsin so once again I will be spending Christmas alone. Besides, Mom is still pissed off at me and will be until she receives some money from my settlement then sheíll become my best friend. Yes, my Mom is funny that way. Every time sheís pissed at me and ignores me itís always the same subject: Money. So, if I donít have my settlement before Christmas, itís best I stay here for Christmas because then I donít have to listen to so much bitching from my mother. Iím tired of it and itís best to avoid the arguing as much as possible.

"Whether we like it or not, change will happen, but let us instead strive for improvement rather than settling to merely change. "Blessed Be!

Much Love~