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Good Bye to all the hurt...I don't want it anymore; I'm done!

2004-11-21 @ 11:05 p.m.

Iím sitting here in massive pain in my arm with so much pain medicine in me that it isnít even helping. The doctor wasnít kidding when he said that Sunday and Monday would be my worst days of pain and Iím not looking forward to tomorrowís pain if Iím feeling this way today. I called in earlier to work to let them know that I wonít be in tomorrow (Monday) because I already know just by the feeling of my arm that itís going to hurt worse tomorrow and will be on more pain meds. So I wonít be back in until Tuesday.

Not only is my arm hurting, so is my heart. Not physically but emotionally. I have not heard from my parents at all and it just really deeply hurts. Family is important to me but apparently Iím not to them. I canít help but sit here and sob like a baby which I have been doing off and on today just because Iím so hurt by my parents for not even being there. A simple phone call would be nice. Granted itís not major surgery but itís still surgery, I was still knocked out and I was still cut up. I had complications with my diaphragm paralyzing on me and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me. But most of all hurt by the fact that my parents donít care. I seriously cannot stop sobbing knowing that this is how my parents feel. Thank God that Dan has been by my side through all of this and Jenn was here for a while too.

With my parents doing this it makes me wonder where I truly stand in their life, in the whole family. This experience has shown me quite a bit of where I stand. You know, I have always been there as best as I can for my parents and have done so much for them, so much more than my brother ever has and I just feel like Iíve been shit on more than Iíve ever been shit on by them in my life. I honestly feel like right now that I have no family except for Dan and Jenn. Right now Iím here alone at home since Dan had to be with his family today and Jenn is spending time with Todd. And I have no problems with that at all. They were still here for me, but I just canít get over these hurt feelings that I have because of my parents. For everyone in my family. It makes me want to pull more and more away from my family more than I have now.

I knew there was a reason that I moved here away from everyone, before I thought it was because I needed to do my soul searching and that was my first task, and I succeeded in doing that as well as fighting my depression on my own which I have done the best that I can and fought a lot of my demons. Now Iíve come to realize to what I really mean to my familyÖ.that they donít give a ratís ass about me.

To be honest, this is the last straw, I canít handle the constant hurt that I receive from my family and itís time that I become cold stone and never go home again. Iíll just do what my brother is doing and never go back home. I know it will hurt me but what else am I to do? Iím tired of crying my eyes out because of the constant hurt that I receive from them and I canít take it anymore. Itís time that I completely pull away. I donít want to but I feel that I have to now.

As soon as I receive my settlement and pay the debts that I owe my parents that will be the last time that I make any effort any more. It will be up to them now to make the effort to see me, to call me or whatever. But I refuse to let them hurt me anymore. I donít deserve this. I honestly feel that I donít. The time has finally come for me to be literally alone and away from my family.

The only family I have left now is Dan and Jenn. Blessed Be!

Much Love~