~Victorianna�s_World~ . . . v. ~M e r r y M e e t

Good Bye to all the hurt...I don't want it anymore; I'm done!
2004-11-21 @ 11:05 p.m.

I�m sitting here in massive pain in my arm with so much pain medicine in me that it isn�t even helping. The doctor wasn�t kidding when he said that Sunday and Monday would be my worst days of pain and I�m not looking forward to tomorrow�s pain if I�m feeling this way today. I called in earlier to work to let them know that I won�t be in tomorrow (Monday) because I already know just by the feeling of my arm that it�s going to hurt worse tomorrow and will be on more pain meds. So I won�t be back in until Tuesday.

Not only is my arm hurting, so is my heart. Not physically but emotionally. I have not heard from my parents at all and it just really deeply hurts. Family is important to me but apparently I�m not to them. I can�t help but sit here and sob like a baby which I have been doing off and on today just because I�m so hurt by my parents for not even being there. A simple phone call would be nice. Granted it�s not major surgery but it�s still surgery, I was still knocked out and I was still cut up. I had complications with my diaphragm paralyzing on me and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me. But most of all hurt by the fact that my parents don�t care. I seriously cannot stop sobbing knowing that this is how my parents feel. Thank God that Dan has been by my side through all of this and Jenn was here for a while too.

With my parents doing this it makes me wonder where I truly stand in their life, in the whole family. This experience has shown me quite a bit of where I stand. You know, I have always been there as best as I can for my parents and have done so much for them, so much more than my brother ever has and I just feel like I�ve been shit on more than I�ve ever been shit on by them in my life. I honestly feel like right now that I have no family except for Dan and Jenn. Right now I�m here alone at home since Dan had to be with his family today and Jenn is spending time with Todd. And I have no problems with that at all. They were still here for me, but I just can�t get over these hurt feelings that I have because of my parents. For everyone in my family. It makes me want to pull more and more away from my family more than I have now.

I knew there was a reason that I moved here away from everyone, before I thought it was because I needed to do my soul searching and that was my first task, and I succeeded in doing that as well as fighting my depression on my own which I have done the best that I can and fought a lot of my demons. Now I�ve come to realize to what I really mean to my family�.that they don�t give a rat�s ass about me.

To be honest, this is the last straw, I can�t handle the constant hurt that I receive from my family and it�s time that I become cold stone and never go home again. I�ll just do what my brother is doing and never go back home. I know it will hurt me but what else am I to do? I�m tired of crying my eyes out because of the constant hurt that I receive from them and I can�t take it anymore. It�s time that I completely pull away. I don�t want to but I feel that I have to now.

As soon as I receive my settlement and pay the debts that I owe my parents that will be the last time that I make any effort any more. It will be up to them now to make the effort to see me, to call me or whatever. But I refuse to let them hurt me anymore. I don�t deserve this. I honestly feel that I don�t. The time has finally come for me to be literally alone and away from my family.

The only family I have left now is Dan and Jenn. Blessed Be!

Much Love~

~V~