2004-01-01 @ 11:23 a.m.
Yesterday, I did it. Crying like a baby as I did, but, did it. I FINALLY took everything down of Paul and Holleigh and I put it all in a special box. It wasn't easy. I was shocked to see what all that I did have out. I even went through my box of pictures and pulled everything out. All our memories; our trip to Yellowstone, when Paul took flying lessons, Holleigh's 4th surprise birthday party, all our Christmas' including the last one that we had together, all the cards that we gave each other, or should I say that I gave him that he left behind and the 1 yes, 1 card that he ever gave me. The roses that he gave me on our anniversary that I had dried which I wrapped carefully and placed them in the box. Our tickets when we went to concerts, hockey games, and the circus among other little trinkets, tickets, etc. I even kept his check stubs, insurance cards, address labels, you name it, it's been put away along with all the e-mails that I have kept since we first dated.
I cried, oh, I cried, it was I think the most difficult thing I have done to heal myself. It hurt, my heart hurt, my head hurt but, it had to be done. When I was done, a little over 2 hours to do all this, but, when it was done, my heart and my chest just felt...lighter, as Jenn puts it, less constraint. I thought that I would be crying myself to sleep, but, I didn't. The necklace he gave me sits in my jewelry box collecting dust. I haven't worn it in so so long, and I probably won't for a while till I'm ready and healed and can wear it without feeling the hurt, missing him so much, missing Holleigh...well, Holleigh, I will forever miss...she's my baby girl. I will always and forever miss Paul...but, it's time I move on, let my heart heal and let someone else have the chance to touch my heart and make me happy again.
I realized that there are so much that I have learned from my relationship to Paul. What not to do again, and what I want in a relationship, both for myself and from him. Knowing what signs to watch for if he is an abuser, everything. I've learned my lesson I guess you could say about when it's safe and not safe to open my heart to someone. I think that opening my heart to someone will still be difficult for me, I was so hurt and still hurting 2 years later from my relationship with Paul that I'm not sure what I deeply need to do to quit feeling so hurt. I guess it's like grieving...it takes time and when I'm not hurting so much I will know it. Right now, I have taken the biggest step and taking everything of theirs, placing it in a special box and putting it away.
So, now, it's time to get things done here around the house, go through stuff, donate things I don't need. And straighten things out with myself. These aren't my resolutions, these are my goals. Resolutions are easy to break, goals aren't.
Have a WONDERFUL New Year and best wishes...I'll write more often.
Blessed Be!!
~V~
