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2003-08-07 @ 9:12 p.m.

I find myself missing both Paul and Kyle very much. At the moment, mostly Paul, but, I know that that part of my life can never be again. Kyle on the other hand, I have no clue what is going on with that.

Kyle and I had a wonderful lunch last Wednesday, and a wonderful conversation Thursday, sent messeges to each other Friday, and I haven't heard from him since. I feel like this is a game that he is playing with me and I don't like it.

After the situations both with Paul and Kyle, it makes me truly wonder if I ever want anyone to get close to me ever again. I can't handle the heartache of it all. I know that life is about joys and heartaches, but, I think I have more heartaches than I have joys. And I don't think I can handle it anymore.

I am beginning to feel like when I let people close to me it clouds me and as my x husband always puts it, I wear my heart on my sleeve and every time I do this, I tend to get hurt. And it's true. I'm seriously beginning to realize that its true, even when I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I hate feeling alone, yet, I hate the hurt that heartaches bring. It's been a year and a half or so since Paul and I split up, and I'm still having a hard time dealing with that. Kyle walks into my life and my broken heart from Paul lifts, but, only to give Kyle room to break mine too.

I can't do this anymore, I can't let anyone near me again because if I do, I'm just going to fall again. And honestly, I don't think I can handle it. I honestly can't. And I don't think I can ever let anyone close to me again.

I'm better off alone and not dealing with any heartache than I am being with someone and having to suffer heartache again.

Blessed Be!!