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2003-04-05 @ 9:15 p.m.

Well, it feels good to be back at work. I haven't heard from PG and I probably won't. He used me, and it hurt. I don't understand why he does the things that he does. I tried for 3 years to try and understand him, to know who he is, and all he did was push me away. When things were going perfect, all of a sudden, he changes. I just wish he wouldn't hurt me so much. After a year, I finally learned to put my feelings for him aside, started dating again, but, not getting close to anyone because I don't want to feel my heart broken again. Then he sends me an e-mail, we met up, got along so great, it was like it was when we were so happy together...then poof, it's gone. I told him I didn't want him to use me, he told me that he isn't using me and that he isn't going to either...if that's the case, then what the hell did he just do? I knew that I should not have met up with him...I really should not have. But, I took that chance, I honestly thought that it would be different, that we would actually be able to make a friendship work...ugh....

Meanwhile, the whole time that I wasn't working, (3 weeks), I felt so alone, depressed, and not knowing what to do with myself. I really hate it when I feel like this and can't figure a way out of it. Now that I am back to work, I'm slowly getting out of these feelings that I have been having. Feelings of being alone, afraid of what will happen next in my life...I don't know...but, what I do know is that I need to get myself back together...I'm tired of feeling alone, being alone...I'm not saying that I am co-dependent, because I am very independent...I was raised and taught to be independent...but, there are just times that it gets really tough. I know that things will get easier...they always find a way of doing so...I just hate it when I take myself too seriously sometimes...

I'm going to have to do more soul searching with my life once again. The strange thing is that I have noticed is that I get feeling this way is since PG and I split up, and then I finally pull myself out of it...I hear from strange is that...maybe it's because I still have feelings for him...but, I know that eventually, when I least expect it, the right person will come along and both he and I will be happy for the rest of our broken hearts for either one of us. Life is too precious to hurt all the time...I hope that makes sense because it is just so hard to explain right now...**sigh**