2004-11-05 @ 2:48 p.m.
I have all these plans of how to take care of things in my life and they work out in my head and when I hear it verbally but for some reason when the time comes to reality it seems to change everything....and I don't know why. And maybe it is to fill something within myself...maybe the neglect that I've had my whole life, I don't know....I know that I have an emptiness within myself that will never go away, no matter how hard I try it is always there haunting me ....I try to change, I try to do things different, I try to put things into different perspectives and it just never works...I can't even motivate myself for anything anymore....I feel like my life is just....doomed or something....I don't know....I know that I feel like I don't belong anywhere and that my life is going no where....no matter how hard I try....I fail, I become stupid, I become confused, I feel lost within everything around me.....it sucks....it really sucks....
I�m running out of ideas of what I need to do, what I want in my life, what is happening in my life. I feel like the only good thing going in my life is my relationship with Dan and with him working graveyards right now and us hardly seeing each other now I just feel alone. I know Dan isn�t going anywhere and I�m not either but right now, I just feel truly alone. My parents never call me unless they want something, my brother never calls unless there has been a family death or something and it�s always me that has to be the bearer of bad news and be the one to tell everyone.
I don�t know what this emptiness is and I just wish that it would just go away. I feel like I�ll be alone when I�m old and gray, that no one will want to marry me and want to spend the rest of his life with me. I know Dan loves me, he tells me all the time and I don�t doubt him at all�I don�t doubt my feelings for him either, I love him with all my heart but there is still something missing in my life and I honestly don�t know what it is.
Maybe Jenn�s right, that my compulsive spending is trying to fill the emptiness that I have or something. I guess I�m just at a loss with my life right now. I keep telling myself it will be fine it�s no one else�s fault but my own, I�ve been through worse things in my life�and somehow I always managed, then the other part of me is just telling me�You�re falling and you�re gonna fall HARD in everything that you do. No matter what you do, you�ll never figure things out you�re mother is right, you�re stupid and you fail at everything you do! Everything that has happened in your life is because you�re being punished and this is the best punishment is that everything goes wrong in your life! You�re not smart enough to do anything right whether it is the choices you make and the things that happen that�s beyond your control. You can try and try and try to make things better but it isn�t going to happen so live with it.
**Sigh** I need to change my life for the better and fight the demons within me. I�ve been having nightmares, haven�t been eating well, or sleeping. At work I eat pretzels for lunch and drink tons of coffee, at home I don�t eat unless Dan is there and I make him dinner or when he makes dinner, other than that I just drink water. The money I have left goes to fill up my gas tank so that I can still make it to work.
The other day one of the girls in another department saw me walking from the break room and asks me if I�m feeling ok, I said yes, why? And she says, you look so sad, is everything all right? And I lied and just said yes, just not feeling good. I sit here at my desk and try to concentrate on work and out of the blue I start to cry. I�ve been crying myself to sleep at night and waking up in tears, I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. When I wake in the morning I have to look around because I don�t know where I am. I look over and Dan isn�t there and it makes me even sadder.
I didn�t even realize that you could tell because I�m really good at hiding my feelings within and just put on a smiley face, but that day I must have been caught off guard. I don�t know if I�m just feeling this way because my stress level is so high, my dr. has me watching and keeping track of my blood pressure because it�s so high. I go in for surgery on November 19th to fix the nerves in my left arm to get the feeling back in left hand.
I just feel like my life is drowning right now and there�s no one there to grab my hand and pull me out and beat the shit out of me silly to get out of this mode. So my life continues to fade. Blessed Be!
Much Love~
~V~
