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2003-08-20 @ 10:37 p.m.

So, I've been in this depressing mood all day well, actually for a few days now. Thinking about Paul and how much I miss him among other things but, the last few days mostly about Paul. I just can't seem to get out of this mood lately. Again, possible mid-life crisis? Who knows! I'm only 34, and when the mid-life crisis happens, I have no clue whatsoever when that is supposed to happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna die an old maid or something. I just feel like that no one wants me, although, it doesn't help that I push people away...what am I afraid of? I wouldn't doubt that it's the fear of going through another heart break again and the damn pain that goes with it. But, do I want to go through my life wondering "what if"? I just feel like I don't know what I want in this world. There's something missing and I just can't figure it out. I don't want to figure it out, I just want it to come to me. I know that I am missing Paul and Holleigh in my life...they were and always be my own family (not talking parents, bro and all) I'm talking my very own family. That's what they were, and I know that they will always be in my heart and soul. I hate feeling this way, depressed and all. I really do, but, at times, I just feel that I really can't help it. Must be that loneliness deal. ugh! Sorry, don't mean to be such a drag!

Anyway, I decided to scan a few of my negatives for my Fotolog tonight. I love my scanner because it not only just scans like a regular scanner, but, it scans negatives as well. No more going to the store to develope anything! heehee!! Anyway, I added a few more pictures in there and will continue to do so as often as I can. I'm definitly going to add a few more of my favorite pictures as I scan them. for them!

Well, it's getting late, and for me not being able to sleep or even wake up during the day is really starting to get old, so, I should really try and hope that I can get some sleep!

Night Babes!!

Blessed Be!!