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When will I be complete???

2004-11-26 @ 9:41 a.m.

I received this e-mail from a friend here at work the other day. And as I was reading it and it brought back so much memories of when I was beaten by Sean (my x-husband) and by Paul (as well as Mom) and it just hit a spot within me that it gave me chills and reminded me that I donít ever want to be in a type of relationship like that again. This is what the e-mail read:

We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day.

Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral!
Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......

The only difference in the end is that it took me years before I had the courage to leave Sean, but it only took Paul to hit me twice in the same month for me to have the courage to leave right away. After those years with Sean when we split I made a promise to myself that I would never be in another abusive relationship again as well as many other promises to myself. I broke many of my promises to myself when I was with Paul but when he beat me the 2nd time (the 1st one was the worse) thatís when I did some heavy thinking and told him, ďI broke many many promises I made to myself being with you BUT I REFUSE to break the promise of being in another abusive relationship especially physical abuse itís time that you leave, itís time I end this relationship, you have to move out this weekend, Iím sorry.Ē That was one of the hardest things for me to do but my sanity and knowing that I deserve better was worth more to me than to waste my life in an abusive relationship like I did for 15 years when I was married. I wonít waste my life like that again.

Iíve always known that I deserve better and now I have found better. I found a person that truly loves me for me inside and out and is there for me no matter what whom is such a positive person, who is my Yin and I his Yang. I found that in Dan. Itís been a very long and tiring journey for me to finally have someone who treats me well, who loves me and doesnít believe in a man striking a woman. Heís seen his sister go through an abusive relationship and Dan beat the shit out of the guy that treated his sister that way, just the same as how my brother wanted to do the same for me when he saw me in my abusive marriage.

Since my first marriage it has made me leery wondering if I ever want to get married again and now that I have lived my life for the last 6 years since Iíve been divorced it has changed my mind about marriage and yes, I do want to get married again, to the right person. And Iím hoping that person will be Dan someday. Things just go so perfect with us in a lot of aspects. Weíve been together for almost a year now and not once have we got in any argument. We ALWAYS talk about any issues that weíre having which is very very far and few between. But we talk! We communicate! And we work it out! Itís great!!! And he isnít shy about expressing his feelings to me and Iím not with him. It all works out.

Iíve been doing so much thinking lately. I mean, in February Iím going to be 36 years old (ugh) and I donít want to be single anymore! And what I mean by single is that I donít want to be NOT married anymore. In reality Iím not single-Iím with Dan, but Iím not married, and I want to be again. Granted I know that marriage is only a piece of paper. But to me itís a sacred thing. Things donít change for me because of a piece of paper, its just to me vows are a very sacred thing that I like to have in my heart and share with someone that I love. And I never had the wedding that I wanted, and I want that.

But there is something that scares the shit outta meÖ.Granted Dan and I have talked about adopting kids, one boy and one girl and I have absolutely no problems with that I would love to have kids. The scary part is the fact that I canít have kids and well, what if we have problems adopting, will Dan leave me to be with someone that can have kids? Part of the reason that ruined my previous marriage is because I couldnít have kids. Even though Sean said it would never affect our marriage it did and he didnít tell me until the end when we were talking and it slipped out of his mouth and it killed me deep inside. And then with Holleigh (Paulís daughter) she filled that void that made me so happy, and then when Paul and I split he broke his promise of letting me continuously see Holleigh. And that tore me apart as well. That was my strike 2!

Thank God Dan is NOTHING like Sean and Paul, but every person has a need and if it canít be met whether its controllable or not everyone goes to find it somewhere else. I donít want that to happen again, I donít want that rip in my heart to get any bigger than it already is. I didnít really start thinking about this until last night when Dan and I were watching the news and they were discussing and showing about a family that adopted a baby from China to add to their family where they also had 2 children of their own. But watching that just made me cry-silently. Yes, I say silently because as Dan was on the couch I was at my computer desk when this came on TV, and I turned my head where Dan couldnít see my face and I cried, I had tears rolling down my face and briefly when I was trying to act like nothing was up, I saw Dan look at me and I know that he knew that something was up but didnít say anything. He always knows when something is bothering me and I never have to say anything.

Of course then I see something like this [A mother who left her 7-year-old son locked in the trunk of a car while she partied in a bar has pleaded guilty to child abuse and false imprisonment.] and it just pisses me off that people out there that have the gift to give birth would do something like this and it kills me because these people that do things like this donít deserve to have children. Which isnít fair to those of us that desperately want children and canít have them. What the HELL crosses these peopleís minds when they do shit like this??? I donít understand it! I donít think any of us will accept those that do things like that. Ugh!!!!

Ok, well, now that is out of the wayÖthis is part of why I say, ďDonít take advantage of the little things because the little things ARE the big things.Ē Will Dan ever want to marry me, be with me and make things complete, make me complete??? Blessed Be!!!

Much Love~