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Closing of Some Doors In My Life and Opening New Ones

2004-05-19 @ 4:09 p.m.

Another crazy day, but not too bad. I was thinking a lot about a lot of stuff today while working away. Hmmmm, where should I start?

Well, first off, Iíve decided to shut another door in my life and keep it as a memory, as much as it hurts I have to place Holleighís pictures that I have here at my desk at home in my box with all of Paul and Holleighís memories that I have. Itís time. I still and will forever love and miss Holleigh but it hurts more knowing that I look at her pictures here at work and knowing that Paul will never let me see her again. Her 7th birthday is coming up on June 25th and all I can do is send her an electronic birthday card via e-mail to Paulís e-mail address. There will be nothing in there for Paul just a small note saying to ďplease show this to Holleigh and give her a big hug and kiss for me and tell her that I love her and miss her dearly.Ē And the rest of the message will be for Holleigh. As long as Iím holding on to Holleigh I canít give myself completely to Dan and giving myself completely to him is what I want to do.

Another thing, in regards to the Swan, Iíve decided, Iím not doing it. Why? Because even though the things they do are to help those with self-esteem, I think itís the wrong way to do it. I mean, they are redoing the things that you were born with, what God gave them rather than being themselves. It is basically making you feel good for a brief time but doesnít heal yourself inside permanently. It makes you a fake. I donít want that. I want to be myself. If people donít like me for me then that is their problem. I also discussed this with Dan and he agrees itís not right.

Mom still isnít talking to me and Iíve decided to not try and push it anymore. Iím going to just let her chill, sheís the one that has to deal with being angry with me. I already know that I messed up but this is her way of torturing me and I wish that she would realize sheís not only torturing me sheís doing it to herself as well. I miss talking to my mom but I also do not want to get yelled at either. I have too much going on in my life right now to have to argue more with her. As Dan says, at least I still have my connection with my dad, and thatís who Iím close to more than anyone in the family. Iím kind of curious how long this one will last this time. Besides Iím still a bit upset with her about a few things that I found out, so I guess all is fair in love and war-right?

Iíve lost another pound so Iím down to losing 14 pounds now. Where I donít know because I donít see it, but itís somewhere. Which works for me anyway.

Dan was so sweet this morning when we were in a rush to leave the house. Of course the alarm didnít go off and we went to bed at 3:30 in the morning. Good thing Dad called the house at 6:40 this morning and got us up. He wanted to make sure that I wasnít late to work again like yesterday. But every morning, I have to wake up DJ, feed Kitty, feed the fish, open the blinds and sliding door, and turn off the AC. Well, to make time shorter, Dan was so sweet that he did all that for me this morning. He always seems to try his best to make things easy for him, and I do the same for him. Dan always says, ďYou take care of me, I take care of youĒ. And that is what we do with each other; we take care of each other. And we have such a blast together. And he makes me laugh all the time. Iíve given my whole heart to Dan except for the small part that Holleigh has and now, Iím ready to give that to him too.

Well, itís time to go home so I best get going for now. Blessed Be!!

Much Love~