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Caffiene & Paul

2003-08-19 @ 10:16 p.m.

Have you ever overloaded yourself with caffiene? I did today. I haven't slept really for the last three days and can't figure out why. Well, it caught the best of me today. So, this morning I went to Starbucks and got a yummy Mocha Coconut Frappacino with four shots of espresso, drank two cans of Amp (the same as Red Bull), took 3 Ginko energy pills, a Dr. Pepper and three pills of No Doz...needless to say, I still couldn't wake up, by later on in the day my kidney started hurting and my stomach getting upset. I took a nap on the bus, came home took another nap, got up, puked well, dry heaves anyway, ate and eh, I feel ok, but, just couldn't wake up for the life of me. I'm surprised that none of that woke me up at all drained me more than anything. Right now I still feel kinda ill, but, not as bad as earlier. I can say that I won't be putting that much caffiene in me in one day again...even though I am a caffiene freak. Tomorrow, I think I will just settle for coffee and hope that will help.

Obviously something is bothering me subconciously for me to not be getting enough sleep. Although, when I do sleep, I'm having dreams of Paul. I guess I'm just missing him so much right now. I've thought about calling him, I miss his voice so much, but, in honesty, I wouldn't know what to say to him. I really wouldn't. He and I have been going in circles since we split up that I just don't really know what to say to him anymore. I know I want to tell him how much I miss him and love him, but, that would be just me going backwards in my healing process. And I don't think that I can bring myself to do that. I miss his touch, his voice, his smile, his eyes. I miss him holding me and hearing him tell me that he loves me. I miss hearing Holleigh gabbing away. I miss both of them so very much. Why am I having such a hard time letting go of him? I don't understand it. I wish I knew. Gawd, I wish I knew! I just feel so lonely without him. I miss just having him around. I miss watching Holleigh grow up. I've already missed a little over a year's worth of watching my little angel grow up. I've been in her life since she was 1 and it's really hard not watching her grow. I miss seeing Paul being his silly self. He is so goofy at times and I know that's part of why I love him so much. Overall, I miss both of them GREATLY!!!

Anyway, I'm trying to decide if I should drive home to visit my parents during Labor Day weekend. I took vacation time in case I decide to go. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but, it would be nice to see them. I don't know...maybe I should take the time for myself. But, I hate being alone during the holidays, even if it is just Labor Day. My mom is going to Texas for a couple of weeks and I thought that it would be nice to visit them and see her before she leaves for Texas and spend some time with them. I'm sure I'll figure something out before then. I have 6 days off (w/the weekend in there) so, I'm sure I'll decide before then. Hard to believe that it will actually be next week!! :o)

Well, I'm off to bed...hopefully I'll actually get some sleep tonight. I hate being so damn tired when I am at work. I'm not much of a morning person, more of a night owl but, as my dad says, I better start becoming a morning person...I'm just so damn lazy in the mornings. **sigh**

Night kids!

Blessed Be!!