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2004-02-17 @ 5:14 a.m.

I've decided to take today as a bereavement day. Yesterday was difficult being around people and the tears just couldn't stop falling. I thought the work would keep my mind off of everything and such, but, obviously it didn't. And my "do not disturb" sign didn't do much justice for me yesterday.

I had people come over that don't normally come to my desk and say "I know you have your sign up to not disturb you but, I was told to ask you". I don't mind helping people, and I know that I'm the main person to ask the questions in regards to claims to prevent these keyers to not have so many errors that I find and pin them for but, all I wanted yesterday was for people to leave me alone. Those that didn't know what was wrong just kept asking me, and I smile and say I'm fine and walk away.

I didn't mind my group coming up to me because they all knew. And I know that Kevin was trying his hardest to cheer me up yesterday, and I do appreciate it. I do the same to him when he's bummed. But, I guess, according to Jamie I'm a total different person when I'm like this. She noticed it when my grandmother passed away a couple of months ago.

I close myself up and just want people to back off. I didn't come in for the support when a family member passes (don't get me wrong, I appreciate it) but, I came in hoping that the work will take my mind off of things. But, it just doesn't help sometimes.

I get 3 days bereavement time, (each time a family member passes we get 3 days) but, I'm only using one. I only used one last time too. My work is important to me, and it helps me take my mind off a lot of things, but, unfortunately, when a death happens, the work isn't strong enough to help me take my mind off of it.

So, today, I will be alone, completely alone for myself and cope with the death of my grandfather. It's best to just let it all out than it is to hold it in. It just makes things worse for me holding something like this in and move along life as if nothing has happened. With me being the only granddaughter, it's always harder for me when it's my grandparents. They've always accepted me and always understood my decisions that I make in my life without any judgement whatsoever. They always told me that I'm their angel in disguise.

Trust me, I won't just be sitting around dwelling. I will be keeping myself busy around here.

Well, have a good day to you all. I'm crawling back into bed for a couple more hours before I attack some challenges today.

Much Love~