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Awkward Dreams

2004-02-27 @ 10:10 p.m.

Last night I had the strangest dream and just feel compelled to talk about it.

It started out that I was driving a truck, my old Chevy truck that I used to have and it broke down on me. Middle of winter. Anyway, this guy came along and helped me out with it and we had to bring it to the airport parking lot. I'm assuming that it broke down near an airport. But, this guy and I decided to get to know each other, he was definitely a hottie, and had a very warm and tender heart. Throughout the dream, he and I had this wonderful relationship going on and he mentioned about hanging out with a friend of his and his girlfriend and watch some movies or play cards or something. So, I agreed. He said that he's been talking so much about me to his friend that his friend had brought up the idea that we should all hang out.

So, finally, the evening came when we were all going to hang out. There came a knock at the door and when he went to answer the door I was standing nearby so that I can see who it is and greet them with a hello. Low and behold, his buddy walked in and to my surprised and I was shocked to see who it was as much as he was to see me. His buddy was Paul. It was an awkward moment but, we just looked at each other and you can tell that we both had the look on our faces as though we were the last two people on the earth and just didn't know what to say to each other but hello. You can tell that we both had the "jealous" look on our faces toward each other and silently telling each other "how could you?" Then, at that moment, my boyfriend noticed that something was up and he asked if we knew each other and we both said yes at the same time. Both my boyfriend and Paul's girlfriend were puzzled wondering how we know each other. When they both asked us, Paul and I didn't know how to answer the question, and amazingly, we both quickly changed the subject so that they would forget at that moment what they asked us.

Throughout the evening, things were going well, but, both Paul and I can tell in each other's faces that things were a bit awkward yet we both acted on the outside as if things were fine in front of our significant others.

Paul's girlfriend was a bit heavy, not very pretty and had long dark hair and had no manners whatsoever. Where he found her, I do not know. She was a bit different than what his tastes are. Maybe he was hard up or something who knows. My boyfriend had the deep dark brown hair like Paul, and if he and Paul stood next to each other you would think they were brothers or something, yet both have two different attitudes toward life in general. Paul was pretty shocked to see that I was with someone that had similarities as himself.

Well, Paul and I were the only ones out of all four of us that smoked and we had to go outside to have a cigarette. After awhile, I decided to go out on the deck to have a smoke and not even two minutes later, Paul followed. This was when a bit of a silent blowout happened.

As he was coming outside, I turned to see who it was and saw that it was him, I just said hi and started looking up in the sky. I didn't know really what to say at that moment. Then there was an uncomfortable silence for a brief moment and finally Paul spoke and asked me how I was doing, told him I was fine; still not looking at him, and I asked how he was and he said fine, then he asked, "what are you doing?" and I said "what?" "I thought you still love me, why are you with him?" I turned and looked at him and said, "yes Paul, I still love you, but, I can't wait for you, I'm not going to put my life on hold for you. At least I found someone decent, what the hell are you with? My heart is still broken because of you, but, I'm not going to wait for you any longer! It hurts too damn much to wonder on a daily basis if you're going to walk back into my life, and if so when? Then I ask myself, if you did walk back into my life are you finally going to open your heart to me or are you going to just use me till you're satisfied and then walk out of my life again? I can't wait for you anymore, I won't wait for you anymore and I won't let you hurt me anymore! Since we split, I haven't let anyone close to me because of fear of being hurt again, that was over 2 years ago and now, I find someone that is special to me and I to him and here you are. What am I supposed to say to him, oh, Paul is walking back in my life again, I can't be with you. No Paul, I'm not doing it!" And he stood there staring at me and when I looked at him, he had tears in his eyes and said "Maria, I still love you, I never stopped loving you, if anything I love you more now than I ever have and I don't know how to tell you or how you would take it because of the horrible things that I have done to you and said to you. I was scared that if I did walk back into your life that you wouldn't want me and you would walk out of my life forever like everyone else has, and I can't bear to handle that kind of hurt when I'm still hurting from us splitting up. So, I stayed away and just watched from a distance. I knew that you were seeing my buddy, but, I never, not once told him about us and that I knew you. He doesn't even know that I knew who he was with except from what he has told me about you because I didn't and still don't know how to tell him about us and what we had and how much I still love you and how much you mean to me. And it eats at me everyday knowing that he's holding you in his arms and not me holding you like it should be. What am I supposed to do. I arranged for tonight because I wanted to get the chance to talk to you, and to tell you that I still love you and how much I miss you and how I still want us to work things out and be together again as it should be." "Paul, I still love you, and I do miss you, but, you can't expect me to wait for you. I've sent you e-mails and you never responded-it was like writing to air, out in space or whatever. I never called because I didn't think that you would want anything to do with me. I cried myself to sleep every single night because of you, missing you, loving you, both you and Holleigh. I couldn't handle it anymore and needed to move on with my life. It was and still is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And out of no where your friend walks into my life, reminding me so much of you, yet different from you and it helped me to let someone back into my life. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry but, it's time that I move on with my life and if that means seeing you often because of your friend, my boyfriend, then so be it. But, don't ask me to walk away of what I have now unless you know in your heart what you truly want for us because I told you what I wanted with you, that I wanted to spend my life with you, but, I can't tell you yes or no that we could be together again because there is so much that would need to change, and no one can change that but you. I've changed, I'm not the same person that you knew, and I'm sure that you aren't either. But, as for a relationship to work for us, that would have to be something that would need lots and lots of work and that means YOU knowing what you want out of a relationship with me. To figure out if what you truly want is the same as my wants of spending our lives together and expressing your feelings more and not avoiding important situations and not walking away from me when I need you. You may still have my heart, but, you don't have me. And you won't ever have me again unless you know how to open your heart and let me in and learn the true meaning of loving someone. Loving someone like me. I'm sorry, but, right now, I won't walk away from what I have, I won't."

After that conversation, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and tears in his, gave him a small kiss and said "I love you Paul, I truly and deeply do. But, I'm sorry" and I walked away.

Anyway, I've been thinking so much about my dream today and trying to find the answers in this dream. And the only thing that I can find is that something is telling me it's time to be strong and to finally and truly let go of Paul and move on with my life because eventually, Mr. Right will be along soon and if I'm not careful, he may slip between my fingers and I would never know it.

Well, that was my strange and awkward dream. Unfortunately, I still can't stop thinking about it. I woke up this morning and I was just shocked, didn't know what to think, and still feel awkward.