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Where am I going?

2003-04-07 @ 5:56 p.m.

I sit here reading, and my bird is on my shoulder whistling away everything that I have taught's so cute. Yet...LOUD, he's right in my ear!!'s snowing again outside, and it's snowing pretty good. It's gorgeous with the large flakes..but, it's spring. But, I guess that's Colorado weather for you.

I've been doing so much thinking lately about everything in my life. My past, present, and future. There's a few things in my past that I would like to change, but, there's a lot that I wouldn't change for the world. Then there is my present...Hoping that someone special will walk into my life. Unfortunatly, SK and I is in the impossible situation of being together even though we want to be together...and I patiently wait and hope that things will change in that department, but, I can't keep my hopes up because part of me tells me that it may just remain the impossible. Then there is PG, the one that I love dearly, but, I know that we can never be together again, but, he will always remain in a special place in my heart. I'm so independent, yet feel so alone...I miss the companionship, yet don't miss the stresses of a relationship. I'm at the point now, and have been for quite awhile now that I want that special person to find me. I'm not used to being the one going out and looking...and when I do look, I always seem to find the ones that enjoy hurting people...I don't know if they do that intentionally, but, it just seems that, I've decided...that special person will walk into my life when the time is right. It's still lonely though, and I hate that feeling...but, it just seems that lately, I really can't do much about it. Of course, there is DE, we've chatted a few times, and hopefully we'll get to know each other more eventually...then there is my future...will I be alone all my life? Will I ever be successful? Where is my life going? Is this it? Is this all there is? Will things get better for me in the future or will it just stay in the neutral? I mean, I have accomplished more than I ever thought that I would, but, I keep there more that I can accomplish? How can I make things better for myself? I don't know if it's hard for me to get where I want because I'm not a selfish person. I always put others before myself...I guess I don't know how to put myself first...and I think it's about time that I do...**sigh**

Anyway, I guess my main problem right now is feeling lonely, missing the companionship, missing someone holding me not because I want them to, but, because he wants to. Is my knight in shining armor out there? Somewhere?


Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny..