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Suicide/Depression...Part of Life???

2003-04-13 @ 11:45 p.m.

I once read/heard a story, a true story about a girl who was (at the time) 19 or 20 about her suicide attempt. Listening to her story, and the events that took place really made me think...What was she thinking about during this difficult time? What happened in her life at that moment that made her take that leap?

Her story was so similar to mine when I did my attempt in 1998. I know what events occured during my attempt, and what pushed me to the edge. Does she feel the same way that I did? Did the pain of cutting feel good to her or bad? Did she feel like "jello" like I did? If she was brought to the hospital like I was, did she feel like a monkey lifted off her back? Did she feel that sense of relief that when the monkey on her back was gone she returned to reality and thought "what the hell am I doing?" like I did?

In a few years is she going be afraid like I am today that the scariest thing out of the events is that the pain from cutting felt good? Knowing that the pain felt good that she wouldn't be afraid if the thoughts ever cross her mind again? It does me... Is she scared of that like I am now? Will she have the strengh to stop herself if it happens again? It happened to me again, and yes, the pain still felt good, BUT, I managed to realize what I was doing and had the strength to stop, to not do this to myself or my family. Will she have that strength?

What was she feeling that night after she came back to reality? Is she much happier now? Or wish that she accomplished what she was trying to do. Did she survive like I did and slowly learning to struggle and fight the demons of depression? I struggle and fight my demons on a daily basis, but, I have learned as well that I will not let it take over my life...I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM of my depression! Or any of the events that occured in my life growing up and my early adulthood that lead me to do the things I did to myself.

Unfortunatly, depression is something that won't go away overnight, actually it won't go away considering that it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Everyone has depression, the only difference besides it affecting more than others is the fact that nothing too terribly has happened in the events of their lives that has triggered it, or they have learned to not recognize it. It's like cancer, everyone has cancer cells, just something has to trigger the cells in order for it to bloom into cancer.

I will never know what was going thru that girl's head when she attempted suicide, I will never know if she survived or accomplished her attempt. I pray that she survived.

Will she regret the things that she did to herself like I do? Will she have the strengh to keep it from happening again? I look at my scars everyday and wonder, "what, why, and how things in my life made me reach the lowest point in my life?"...will she wonder too when she looks at her scars?

Only she will know...