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Strength in My Heart

2003-12-16 @ 10:46 a.m.

I'm sitting here working away, and since they did some stuff for our codes this weekend my program that I'm working in is going so so slow....ugh...So, as I sit here, listening to my music with my headphones on, I, for some reason can't seem to stop thinking about Paul and Holleigh. Mostly thinking about Paul and trying to figure out what went wrong in our relationship. I wonder where the man that I fell in love with had disappeared to. My heart hurts, missing him so much and still so deeply in love with him. I wonder if he's thinking of me too. If Holleigh is thinking of me. I think about her 24/7. To me she will always be my step-daughter...and Paul will always and forever be the love of my life. I wish that he understood and knows and realizes how much I love him, what he means to me.

In the next few days I have to get the strength to finally take down his pictures, remove his e-mail address from all my address books and place everything in a safe keeping place, and just have everything as a memory. It's almost 2 years that we have been apart and it's time that I let go...let go because things will never be back the way it was.

It's time to put him in my past and to finally say good-bye and to finally let my heart heal. Not hearing from him eats at me everyday, every single day that we have been apart it rips me apart. He and Holleigh mean the world to me, they were my family. And now, we no longer have that. It's been over a year now since I have seen Holleigh and it's been 9 months now since I last seen Paul. I still think of them everyday.

But, now, it's time, and I hope that I am ready for this. I so much want us to work things out, but, I know and I'm sure that Paul knows too that if we ever tried again, it may not work...although it may...but, I don't foresee that if we did get back together that it would work. I do still love him...I am still truly in love with him...but, it's time that I close this chapter in my life. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night and thinking about "what if" because that isn't going to get me anywhere.

It's time for my heart to heal and finally let someone in my life. I haven't let anyone in my life for the last two years...I may have gone on dates, but, I always seem to find a reason why they are not good enough, because they are not Paul.

Paul, if you ever do read this, please know that I do love you with all my heart and soul, forever.

I miss my bestfriend...