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Sleepless In Colorado

2003-03-25 @ 12:21 a.m.

Well, here I am writing again. Another sleepless night. UGH!!! Well, hmmmm, I'm having a brain fart right at the moment and my mind is just a blank...which lately hasn't been unusual for me...grrrr.

I guess I'm just so frustrated with so much going on...where to start, who the hell knows. I sure the hell don't at the moment.

I went for a long walk this evening, walked around for 2 hours at Colorado Mills then went for a drive, usually it helps me think when I'm stuck, but, today, all I could do was cry, guess being in one of those moods where I don't want to deal with anyone or talk to anyone. And you know, when you're stressed you would think that when you finally let it all out with crying it would drain you...but, of course it didn't for me today. Of course I've been crying for 4 days now trying to work things out in my head. Not so much my social life or anything, just things personally. Stressed with the deal with my job, my bills, you know those typical daily things in life, well, it just finally has caught up to me for the last 4 days that I feel like I just want to run and hide in the closet and never want to come out. I feel safer there, no one to deal with, I guess takes me away from reality, but, I have to come out and meet with reality face to face at some point.

But, it's not only that...well, my heart hurts...why? Well, I guess I'm missing someone particular that means so much to me, then there's S, who, ugh, he and I agree that we are soulmates to each other, but, there's a flaw...ONE FUCKING FLAW!!!!! He's married. His wife knows me, not very well, and she knows that he likes me quite a bit, he told her so...she knows when he spends time with me and has no problems...which is great that it's not hidden, but, then it's awkward because it just makes things harder...I'm not in love with him, at least I don't think so...but, both he and I know that we were meant to be together, we just met at the wrong time. Of course I'm still in love with someone else...and sometimes I wish that I wasn't because it hurts too much but, I have learned to deal with that one to some point.

HA! And I thought that I was having a brain fart...LOL. Here I am chatting away in cyberspace. I guess it's safer this way to let things out into cyberspace. Hard to explain why, but, I'm sure that you all understand. :-)

Well, for now during yet another sleepless night, I'm going to go and surf away these hours into the only world I know I am comfortable in...cyberspace.

Good night and sweet dreams...

Blessed Be!