Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 @ 11:57 a.m.
My depression is creeping up on me again and I�ve been having thoughts of cutting again but I�ve been fighting it, and it�s not an easy battle. So I�ve been writing my journal again offline and it�s been helping me fight my urges to cut. I feel like I�m helpless or something. It�s a hard feeling to describe. I want to scream so loud and want to cry yet I can�t. I feel trapped in my mind like nothing will ever come out right in my life. But I remind myself constantly that it�s not true, that it�s the depression talking. I know I can do better if I push myself harder but then it�s as though, no matter what I do either nothing changes or it gets worse.
I feel like I�m in this circle and I can�t find the opening to get out. I�m trying but I can�t find the main door. I�m searching for something that I can never find�the door to a happy life. To be happy no matter what goes on in my life. Why can�t I just have a normal life? My dad told me the other day that I�m just like my mother, that I worry too much and that�s why I stress so much, but yet I�m not like my mother. He says that he�s proud that I�ve learned to control my temper and that it has changed me dramatically because my temper isn�t as bad as it used to be like my mother�s but yet I still worry too much like she does and it causes me to stress too much and that I beat myself too much over things. And he�s probably right, but I know I�m searching for something but I don�t know what it is.
When I moved to Colorado, I did some major soul searching, along the way I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and got into drugs, I would drink all the time till I can�t drink anymore, take speed all the time and got high all the time and on occasion did cocaine all that lasted for about 6 months and I give all my thanks and gratefulness to Jenn for getting me out of it. I couldn�t pull myself out and so she pulled me out and I�m very grateful for that because deep down I knew that wasn�t me but the hard part was getting out. Getting in was easy, getting out was not. And since Jenn pulled me out of that in 1999, I never looked back and never took another drug again. I don�t drink as much anymore, it�s become one of those things that I have to be in the mood for a beer to have one. And then I can�t even finish a bottle of beer. But that�s good, good for me because I know that I can live without the alcohol and I definitely don�t need the drugs.
I wish someone can pull me out of my depression, but that is a battle that I have to fight on my own. I�ve been on meds for my depression for 14 years now and I don�t want to be on them anymore. I think that�s why I am feeling the way that I am now. I take myself off of them when I feel I have the strength to be off of them and I stay off of them as long as I can. It used to be that after I�m off, within a week I would have a nervous break down, the last time I was off of them in the beginning of 2004 I was off of them for 4 months before I was about to have a nervous breakdown, now it�s been 6 months since I�ve been off of them and I�m about to have a nervous breakdown, I have problems making decisions when I�m off of my meds and just can�t think straight and on occasion, I feel confused. I did take one pill yesterday to at least prevent me from crashing down but I don�t want to take them everyday anymore. I�ve realized that it doesn�t make my depression go away, it just puts it in a quiet place. I need to fight it. It�s time that I face this disease and fight it in order to make myself a stronger person.
I�m sure it�s probably not a good idea for me to be off my meds because I do get suicidal and cut, but I haven�t had a suicidal thought in my mind for years after I was in the hospital for trying to kill myself. And that�s good that I don�t get the suicidal thoughts anymore but I still get the thoughts of cutting only because I know that to me the cutting (I know this may sound wrong) but when I�m in my depressive state the cutting actually feels good. But, I know in my right mind, that I should not be doing the cutting or even thinking about it but then it reflects back to how good it felt and that�s what scares me the most.
My soul searching put me through a lot of crying spells, lots of thought of why I was born, why nothing ever goes right in my life among things and being homesick at the same time. I�ve battled the homesickness and have battled a few things and even went to therapy but I felt like the therapy didn�t help. My therapist was great but I just didn�t feel that it was helping. Telling someone everything of my thoughts and feelings, hell, that�s what writing is right? Doing the same thing and not paying outrageous amounts of money telling someone your thoughts and feelings and then they talk to you like you�re �dumb� or something. I was never comfortable with any of the therapists that I�ve met with. I tend to either lie to them or not tell them everything that they want to hear because I wonder what they would think of me.
So, once again, I�m on another journey to find out who I am, and what I want in my life. It�s weird because when I�m at work I�m a completely different person and everyone loves me, somehow I�m �popular� at work but yet once I walk out that door to go home, my true self comes out and it scares me. I feel safe when I�m at work because I�m so busy and I�m doing what I love doing on a personal level.
Then, there�s times that when I�m home I�ll look around and wonder �is this real? Am I really here?� It�s like I don�t know what is real and what is. I have to literally sit there for a moment and look at everything around me and wonder where I am, how did I get here, why am I here�etc. so many questions, but yet I can�t seem to find the answer. Then after about 10-15 minutes I realize that everything around me is real. All this stuff around me is mine, all paid for not owing anything on my belongings except my car, then I think, how did I get myself so in debt? Why am I behind? Then I start thinking of the stupid things that I did and wish I didn�t do it but I know I can�t change the past that I can only improve the future. Then I start to think, how will I improve the future? Where do I start, etc�
Jenn used to tell me and I�m sure she�s thinking it now as she reads this that I need to give my little hamster that�s on his running wheel in my head a break and to quit thinking so much. Dan tells me that I fidget too much because I can�t sit still, I always need to be doing something. So there are 3 of my many faults, I worry too much, I think too much and I don�t know how to sit still just even for 5 minutes. But yet, I can�t seem to motivate myself to do some things that I want to do.
Such is life, right? Well, I should go for now, I�ll write more again soon. Blessed Be!
Much Love~
~V~
