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Questions but no answers.

Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 @ 11:57 a.m.

Itís been awhile since Iíve written. So much has been going through my mind.

My depression is creeping up on me again and Iíve been having thoughts of cutting again but Iíve been fighting it, and itís not an easy battle. So Iíve been writing my journal again offline and itís been helping me fight my urges to cut. I feel like Iím helpless or something. Itís a hard feeling to describe. I want to scream so loud and want to cry yet I canít. I feel trapped in my mind like nothing will ever come out right in my life. But I remind myself constantly that itís not true, that itís the depression talking. I know I can do better if I push myself harder but then itís as though, no matter what I do either nothing changes or it gets worse.

I feel like Iím in this circle and I canít find the opening to get out. Iím trying but I canít find the main door. Iím searching for something that I can never findÖthe door to a happy life. To be happy no matter what goes on in my life. Why canít I just have a normal life? My dad told me the other day that Iím just like my mother, that I worry too much and thatís why I stress so much, but yet Iím not like my mother. He says that heís proud that Iíve learned to control my temper and that it has changed me dramatically because my temper isnít as bad as it used to be like my motherís but yet I still worry too much like she does and it causes me to stress too much and that I beat myself too much over things. And heís probably right, but I know Iím searching for something but I donít know what it is.

When I moved to Colorado, I did some major soul searching, along the way I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and got into drugs, I would drink all the time till I canít drink anymore, take speed all the time and got high all the time and on occasion did cocaine all that lasted for about 6 months and I give all my thanks and gratefulness to Jenn for getting me out of it. I couldnít pull myself out and so she pulled me out and Iím very grateful for that because deep down I knew that wasnít me but the hard part was getting out. Getting in was easy, getting out was not. And since Jenn pulled me out of that in 1999, I never looked back and never took another drug again. I donít drink as much anymore, itís become one of those things that I have to be in the mood for a beer to have one. And then I canít even finish a bottle of beer. But thatís good, good for me because I know that I can live without the alcohol and I definitely donít need the drugs.

I wish someone can pull me out of my depression, but that is a battle that I have to fight on my own. Iíve been on meds for my depression for 14 years now and I donít want to be on them anymore. I think thatís why I am feeling the way that I am now. I take myself off of them when I feel I have the strength to be off of them and I stay off of them as long as I can. It used to be that after Iím off, within a week I would have a nervous break down, the last time I was off of them in the beginning of 2004 I was off of them for 4 months before I was about to have a nervous breakdown, now itís been 6 months since Iíve been off of them and Iím about to have a nervous breakdown, I have problems making decisions when Iím off of my meds and just canít think straight and on occasion, I feel confused. I did take one pill yesterday to at least prevent me from crashing down but I donít want to take them everyday anymore. Iíve realized that it doesnít make my depression go away, it just puts it in a quiet place. I need to fight it. Itís time that I face this disease and fight it in order to make myself a stronger person.

Iím sure itís probably not a good idea for me to be off my meds because I do get suicidal and cut, but I havenít had a suicidal thought in my mind for years after I was in the hospital for trying to kill myself. And thatís good that I donít get the suicidal thoughts anymore but I still get the thoughts of cutting only because I know that to me the cutting (I know this may sound wrong) but when Iím in my depressive state the cutting actually feels good. But, I know in my right mind, that I should not be doing the cutting or even thinking about it but then it reflects back to how good it felt and thatís what scares me the most.

My soul searching put me through a lot of crying spells, lots of thought of why I was born, why nothing ever goes right in my life among things and being homesick at the same time. Iíve battled the homesickness and have battled a few things and even went to therapy but I felt like the therapy didnít help. My therapist was great but I just didnít feel that it was helping. Telling someone everything of my thoughts and feelings, hell, thatís what writing is right? Doing the same thing and not paying outrageous amounts of money telling someone your thoughts and feelings and then they talk to you like youíre ďdumbĒ or something. I was never comfortable with any of the therapists that Iíve met with. I tend to either lie to them or not tell them everything that they want to hear because I wonder what they would think of me.

So, once again, Iím on another journey to find out who I am, and what I want in my life. Itís weird because when Iím at work Iím a completely different person and everyone loves me, somehow Iím ďpopularĒ at work but yet once I walk out that door to go home, my true self comes out and it scares me. I feel safe when Iím at work because Iím so busy and Iím doing what I love doing on a personal level.

Then, thereís times that when Iím home Iíll look around and wonder ďis this real? Am I really here?Ē Itís like I donít know what is real and what is. I have to literally sit there for a moment and look at everything around me and wonder where I am, how did I get here, why am I hereÖetc. so many questions, but yet I canít seem to find the answer. Then after about 10-15 minutes I realize that everything around me is real. All this stuff around me is mine, all paid for not owing anything on my belongings except my car, then I think, how did I get myself so in debt? Why am I behind? Then I start thinking of the stupid things that I did and wish I didnít do it but I know I canít change the past that I can only improve the future. Then I start to think, how will I improve the future? Where do I start, etcÖ

Jenn used to tell me and Iím sure sheís thinking it now as she reads this that I need to give my little hamster thatís on his running wheel in my head a break and to quit thinking so much. Dan tells me that I fidget too much because I canít sit still, I always need to be doing something. So there are 3 of my many faults, I worry too much, I think too much and I donít know how to sit still just even for 5 minutes. But yet, I canít seem to motivate myself to do some things that I want to do.

Such is life, right? Well, I should go for now, Iíll write more again soon. Blessed Be!

Much Love~