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PG-Part One

2003-03-23 @ 2:16 p.m.

Well, I signed up for my diary 3 months ago, and this is my first entry. There has been so much going on. I want to discuss my thoughts about a person from my past. The love of my life, PG. I remember when I first saw him, I didn't even know him yet. I met him in my dreams about 4 years before I met him, I was still married at the time. It's so weird, yet didn't think twice about it. I was married, didn't think I would ever get divorced and that I would ever meet the mystery man that haunted me in my dreams, even though my grandfather, whom I never met but always protected me in my dreams told me that someday that man will open my heart.

PG and I met online believe it or not Oct. 2, 1999. That first e-mail that he sent me, something just felt good about him, just by his e-mail, and I don't really know how to describe it. But, I responded, we chatted online via e-mail all day, chatted online that evening, and he called me that night and we spoke on the phone for hours. The next day we met in person, and I just had a feeling come over me and couldn't figure out why he looked so familiar. Even on the phone, his voice was so familiar, and I asked him numerous times if we ever met, and of course we didn't. Well, to make a long story short, I fell in love with him, 6 months later, we were living together, with his daughter with us every other weekend, who she now and always has called me her 2nd mom. Well, both PG and I have issues from our past, and I buried my past as best that I could, but, PG couldn't bury his I guess, and I'm sure a few of mine came out here and then...

Well, off and on things were great, good, bad, and ok. He treated me horribly at times but, you know the saying love is blind, and my close friend and roommate at the time told me things that she saw from the outside, and I knew them, but, I let my heart take over and even though I knew what was happening, I didn't want to see it. Eventually, after 3 years things fell apart. We've been apart for a year now, not talking to each other, and when we did, we argued so we stayed away from each other. Last Thursday, I get an e-mail...I was so shocked!!! This year apart I have been broken to pieces losing both him and his daughter. And now, all of a sudden, he walks back into my life...I don't know what to think about it...I have to admit, I still love him deeply, very deeply. In the pages to come I think it will be good for me to get all the events of this relationship out in the open, relive and release everything and figure out where I am standing in all of this for myself. I want so much for us to be back together, but, yet I don't and I need to figure this out, what it is that I want from this. I figure if I write it down maybe I'll see something that will help me decide what I want to do with this situation.