input, textarea { background: #FFFFFF; font-family: verdana; font-size:8pt; color:#E20500; border-style: solid; border-color: red; text-transform:lowercase; border-width:1 }

2004-01-27 @ 11:14 p.m.

Today has been such a busy day for me. But, I think that the toughest thing for me today was while I was working away, I'm sitting there with my headphones on and a song came on that really made me think about Paul so much today. I know, I'm supposed to be moving myself past him, but, it's just really difficult. And I'm sure that is part of my healing process is to let my thoughts, and my heart hurt, to release it as much as possible so that I can move on.

Last night, I'm laying in bed reading my book and I curled up and just started crying. Trying to figure out why and what went wrong and realizing how much I miss Paul so damn much. I don't understand why I love him so much. Both he and Holleigh will always and forever be a big part of my life and a MAJOR part of my heart.

So many things went wrong in our relationship, yet so many things were right. I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with Paul, and I honestly thought that he wanted that too with me. I accepted him for him, why couldn't he do the same for me? I gave him my whole heart, why couldn't he do the same for me? I was there for him as best as I can, yet, he couldn't do it for me.

The night that everything came crashing down, which was the first time in the 3 years that we were together that he ever hit me, I was there for him when our friend Tony passed away, I tried to be supportive for him and to be there and all he did was push me away. I wasn't feeling well that night, I was throwing up blood the night before, and it was agreed that I was to let him know when I was ready to go because he knew that I wasn't feeling well. I tried telling him when I was ready to go (numerous times), but, he just ignored me, as if I wasn't even there. I made sure he had a ride home and I left. I felt guilty for leaving when I got to the car and started crying because he didn't care whether I was there or not, but, I decided to go back in, that's when I saw Paul come out, he came to my window, and that was when the first strike of his fist in my face happened and just got worse from there. The next day, I noticed my face was swollen and I had bruises on my arm and my legs. And I don't bruise very easily either.

For days on end after that I fell back into my deep depression without telling anyone, and Paul couldn't understand why. I honestly think he didn't want to understand why. I remember 4 days after it happened, Paul had dropped me off at the coffee shop across the street from my office early in the morning on his way to work, I sat at the coffee shop reading the paper and started to cry. I walked across the street to my office building, found a hidden corner where no one could see me and just finally broke down. I didn't' know what to do, who to talk to or anything. Paul was supposed to be my best friend, and the person that I trusted would never hurt me physically or emotionally to an extent where I couldn't even go to him to talk to. I was alone. I felt absolutely and utterly alone that day. I had never felt that alone in my entire life. And never in my life did I ever expect that from Paul. The sad thing is that a week before everything happened, we were in Tennessee, and everything was perfect with us, we were closer than we ever have been. I know that I will cherish always and forever the memories of our life together as a couple and as a family.

I know that this is all done and over with. But, this is the only way that I can release my pain little by little is by writing. I'm better at writing than I am talking to someone about how hurt I am feeling. I'm taking the baby steps to heal my heart and doing it the best way that I can. And if it means writing all my pain and tears here in my diary, then that's what I'll do.

Well, I have a 12 hour work day tomorrow and for the rest of the week so I should get going to bed.

Much Love...