Letting Go 2003-03-27 @ 11:28 a.m.
Well, I think my thoughts on PG is starting to come clear. I've come to the conclusion...yes, I still love him, but, no, I don't think I am in love with him anymore. This past year I was so broken hearted I thought that I wanted us back together. Then I met up with him a couple of weeks ago when he contacted me out of the blue, and even though we got along very well, it made me think alot...and well, honestly, I don't want to be in another relationship with him. He will always remain special to me, and remain a special part of my life...but, a life that was in my past. And honestly, I don't think I can handle being with him again anyway with the way that he treated me. The day that he hit me gave me a total different view of who he is, and probably always will be. I believe in giving people chances, and I gave him so many and they all just ended up the same way. If he isn't hurting me physically, he is emotionally or verbally...I don't want that, I don't want to have a relationship like that. I was always giving and he was always taking, that isn't right in a relationship...I was always understanding of his issues, his problems, things that bothered him, those that have hurt him deeply, but, he was never able to be there for me. He always pushed me away when he needed me the most, then turns around and tells me that I'm not there for him which isn't true...I have always been there for him thru hard times, and he always pushed me away, not letting me be there for him...yet no matter how hard I try, its just never good enough for him...recently his mother passed away, again, I tried to be there for him, even just as a friend, and well, I've noticed it's the same scenario...so, for once in my life...I've given up with him...it's like a big circle, and it's time that I find the loophole to get out of this circle with him. I've realized that he is a part of my past that I need to shut the door on. I had the door shut for a year now...and for him to come knocking on my door again threw everything for a loop...I can't let him in. In a matter of speaking, he has lost the key to my heart somewhere and it will take him a long long time to find it again. He was the first person that I ever opened my heart completely to and he shattered it. Shattered it like a broken glass where you can't put all the pieces back together, not for him anyway. It's time to let go completely. I let go a year ago, but, not completely, but, now, I know I am ready to let it all go...now, it is all just a memory and will always be a memory.I want someone that knows what a relationship is. Someone that understands that when you are with someone that person is your best friend, your confidant, your sounding board. Both parties are open to each other both thru the good and the bad times. You teach each other new worlds because everyone is unique, no one is the same. If everyone was the same, this would be a dull world. I feel that the person I want will accept me for who I am, flaws and all, the same way that I will accept him. Opening our hearts to each other, letting each other into our hearts. I believe that when you look into your partners eyes and you see your future, you know that you have found your soulmate. Everyone has 2 soulmates in their lives...One that teaches you to love and the other that you spend the rest of your life with that is true love. It's just a matter of searching...sometimes you don't have to search, they can show up when you least expect it.
A relationship is: Love, Trust, Understanding, Happiness, and Faithfullness. If you don't have any of these items in a relationship, it won't work. If you lose one, you lose all. Finding someone special to love is a precious gift...don't take advantage of the little things because from what I learned, the little things ARE the big things.
Victorianna
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