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Feeling Alone???

2004-05-25 @ 1:34 p.m.

Have you ever felt in a certain time of your life where you feel totally and utterly alone? Thatís where Iím at right now. I got home last night and all I could do was cry. I cried for 4 hours until I finally fell asleep. And I didnít even really sleep; I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out what to do. And at the same time Iím battling my depression head on right now with everything horrid thatís been happening lately. And somehow Dan is managing to keep my spirits up. Iím trying, trust me, Iím trying. My depression WILL NOT win! It will never win. I wonít let it.

I guess itís just because Iíve been under so much stress lately. Iíve been trying to play catch up and itís not going as planned, it seems that lately everything and anything that can go wrong is going wrong. But Iím doing my best to hold my head up as high as possible. And lately it hasnít been easy but I am trying and thatís all that I can do.

There are still a lot of things on my mind that I need to work out but itís not my main priority right now. I think once I get the things taken care of that needs to be taken care of right now then things will calm down. But, for now, I still need to work out this stuff. Ugh!

I just really feel alone with all of this crap going on. Itís always like this. I really think that I need to move into something cheaper. But, I donít want to break my lease and Iím wondering if that is going to happen. I wish I had a roommate yet itís nice living by myself. Ugh. I do have to say though, after this ordeal Iíve learned quite a bit of things that need to change. It has opened my eyes quite a bit, thatís for sure.

And then dealing with these guys here in my department at work just irritates me. Dan says to just tell the to fuck off. Which Iím pretty damn tempted to. Matt and Amy were on the train at the same time that I was yesterday and of course not sitting near me yet we all can see each other. Iím talking to Dan on my cell and I look over since they canít tell that I was looking because I had my shades on and sometimes Iím good at reading lips and they were over there talking away about me. It pissed me off some and thatís when Dan said to just tell them to fuck offÖbut you know, they arenít worth my breath to even say the words to them. They arenít worth my time. Pretty said donít you think when they are in the same department as I am. There have been changes that now all of QC sits in one area, except for myself. Iím in a little corner cube without any of my fellow QC people near me. They donít talk to me or say hi or anything. Itís like all of a sudden they are better than me. Oh well. Oh, there is one thing they do do to me, they glare at me with dirty looks and act all snobby. Nice huh? Oh well, at least I get my work done. All they do is chat away. Their asses not mine, right?

To change the subject, I have noticed a lot lately that my carpal tunnel in both hands has really been acting up horribly. Iíve been feeling the numbness and tingling in both of my hands and the soreness on my right wrist. The tingling has been in my pinky and ring finger on both hands and moving up my arm. Itís just crazy ya know. I guess Iím getting oldÖlol. Of course I refuse to think that I am, Iím such a kid at heart, unfortunately I donít have the energy of a kid anymore though.

Well, at the moment I am a bit worried. Dan was supposed to be at work at noon and hasnít got to work yet today and I havenít spoken to him since early last evening and was supposed to talk to him late last night but never did. I hope that everything is all right. Iím sure that Iíll hear from him here real soon.

Well, I guess I should get going and get some work done. I have a short week this week since I took Friday off except for the first 3 hours of my shift. I come to work for 3 hours then Iím on vacation until Tuesday. So, I better get my stuff done. God knows no one else around here would help do my work like I do for them. Blessed Be!!!

Much Love~