2004-11-28 @ 3:01 p.m.
There’s so much happening in my life right now I just don’t know whether I’m coming or going, if I should laugh or cry, if I should be spontaneous like I usually am or if I should just remain in my shell. I worry about the whether the right words or the wrong words come out of my mouth. I feel like I find myself saying and doing the wrong things anymore on general things in my life. My stress level is just so high that I can’t even think straight. I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s the holiday season. It seems that everything just comes crashing and things go wrong in my life around the holiday season. Every year as far back as I can remember it has always been like this, it’s like a never-ending curse. I’m surprised that Dan and Jenn can put up with me. Neither one of them has complained they just remind me that I think too much and I have to agree with them.
I guess it’s because I’m so used to bad things happening to me I’m losing sight of all the good that is happening and don’t recognize it when it’s in front of me. I analyze too much, I honestly do. And I try so hard not to but it’s like a normal thinking process for me. I’m so open minded that I don’t only look at the good I look at the bad and I seem to look at the bad and worry about it more than I do the good. Maybe I’m just too open minded, I don’t know.
It just seems that all week I’ve been so damn emotional and constantly crying off and on, I mean I know that things happen in life that we can’t control, but I’ve always been one that tries to keep things under control in my life and when it doesn’t go the way I want it I just get all stressed and worried and it just takes over. I don’t know what I would do without Dan, he is such a positive person that it helps me to work on being a positive person. I wish I didn’t get this trait of thinking too much from my mother. Even my father tells me that I think too much, everyone I know has told me that. And the only ones that have stuck around me and put up with it are Dan and Jenn.
I just feel so trapped. I don’t feel trapped in my relationship with Dan, that’s going great. I feel trapped in my life in general. I feel drained like I can’t do it anymore, but I keep trying. God I keep trying and it’s not an easy road and I hate asking for help but I don’t know what else to do. I just feel like I’m running out of breathing room and I just want to run and hide from it all and just catch my breath. But, right now it’s a little impossible for that to happen for me.
Once again I feel that I’m fighting my demons again. Last night I had a nightmare that found me kicking and crying and it woke myself up. I don’t know if it woke Dan up or not but it did for me. And the other night I had another nightmare and I think I hit Dan on the back but he hasn’t said anything except for when I did when we were first dating. But he also understands why I have my nightmares.
I’m still trying to quit smoking. I had the last cigarette of my pack Friday at 3:30 and went without a cigarette the rest of that day and evening and all day yesterday up until I checked my mail and got really stressed, and turned around and drove back to the store and got a pack at 5:00 yesterday. Did my stressing and smoking and now I’m back again to no cigarettes. I know this isn’t going to be easy and I wouldn’t doubt that I will find myself sneaking in a smoke here and there but I’m doing the best I can to succeed at this.
Well, now that I’ve let out a few vents, etc out I better get going and get my house cleaned. I get my stitches out tomorrow (I hope) and the healing process of my surgery begins! Blessed Be!!
Much Love~
~V~
