~Victorianna’s_World~ . . . v. ~M e r r y M e e t

Good Bye to all the hurt...I don't want it anymore; I'm done!
2004-11-21 @ 11:05 p.m.

I’m sitting here in massive pain in my arm with so much pain medicine in me that it isn’t even helping. The doctor wasn’t kidding when he said that Sunday and Monday would be my worst days of pain and I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s pain if I’m feeling this way today. I called in earlier to work to let them know that I won’t be in tomorrow (Monday) because I already know just by the feeling of my arm that it’s going to hurt worse tomorrow and will be on more pain meds. So I won’t be back in until Tuesday.

Not only is my arm hurting, so is my heart. Not physically but emotionally. I have not heard from my parents at all and it just really deeply hurts. Family is important to me but apparently I’m not to them. I can’t help but sit here and sob like a baby which I have been doing off and on today just because I’m so hurt by my parents for not even being there. A simple phone call would be nice. Granted it’s not major surgery but it’s still surgery, I was still knocked out and I was still cut up. I had complications with my diaphragm paralyzing on me and I feel like someone beat the shit out of me. But most of all hurt by the fact that my parents don’t care. I seriously cannot stop sobbing knowing that this is how my parents feel. Thank God that Dan has been by my side through all of this and Jenn was here for a while too.

With my parents doing this it makes me wonder where I truly stand in their life, in the whole family. This experience has shown me quite a bit of where I stand. You know, I have always been there as best as I can for my parents and have done so much for them, so much more than my brother ever has and I just feel like I’ve been shit on more than I’ve ever been shit on by them in my life. I honestly feel like right now that I have no family except for Dan and Jenn. Right now I’m here alone at home since Dan had to be with his family today and Jenn is spending time with Todd. And I have no problems with that at all. They were still here for me, but I just can’t get over these hurt feelings that I have because of my parents. For everyone in my family. It makes me want to pull more and more away from my family more than I have now.

I knew there was a reason that I moved here away from everyone, before I thought it was because I needed to do my soul searching and that was my first task, and I succeeded in doing that as well as fighting my depression on my own which I have done the best that I can and fought a lot of my demons. Now I’ve come to realize to what I really mean to my family….that they don’t give a rat’s ass about me.

To be honest, this is the last straw, I can’t handle the constant hurt that I receive from my family and it’s time that I become cold stone and never go home again. I’ll just do what my brother is doing and never go back home. I know it will hurt me but what else am I to do? I’m tired of crying my eyes out because of the constant hurt that I receive from them and I can’t take it anymore. It’s time that I completely pull away. I don’t want to but I feel that I have to now.

As soon as I receive my settlement and pay the debts that I owe my parents that will be the last time that I make any effort any more. It will be up to them now to make the effort to see me, to call me or whatever. But I refuse to let them hurt me anymore. I don’t deserve this. I honestly feel that I don’t. The time has finally come for me to be literally alone and away from my family.

The only family I have left now is Dan and Jenn. Blessed Be!

Much Love~

~V~