Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 @ 11:57 a.m.
My depression is creeping up on me again and I’ve been having thoughts of cutting again but I’ve been fighting it, and it’s not an easy battle. So I’ve been writing my journal again offline and it’s been helping me fight my urges to cut. I feel like I’m helpless or something. It’s a hard feeling to describe. I want to scream so loud and want to cry yet I can’t. I feel trapped in my mind like nothing will ever come out right in my life. But I remind myself constantly that it’s not true, that it’s the depression talking. I know I can do better if I push myself harder but then it’s as though, no matter what I do either nothing changes or it gets worse.
I feel like I’m in this circle and I can’t find the opening to get out. I’m trying but I can’t find the main door. I’m searching for something that I can never find…the door to a happy life. To be happy no matter what goes on in my life. Why can’t I just have a normal life? My dad told me the other day that I’m just like my mother, that I worry too much and that’s why I stress so much, but yet I’m not like my mother. He says that he’s proud that I’ve learned to control my temper and that it has changed me dramatically because my temper isn’t as bad as it used to be like my mother’s but yet I still worry too much like she does and it causes me to stress too much and that I beat myself too much over things. And he’s probably right, but I know I’m searching for something but I don’t know what it is.
When I moved to Colorado, I did some major soul searching, along the way I got mixed up with the wrong crowd and got into drugs, I would drink all the time till I can’t drink anymore, take speed all the time and got high all the time and on occasion did cocaine all that lasted for about 6 months and I give all my thanks and gratefulness to Jenn for getting me out of it. I couldn’t pull myself out and so she pulled me out and I’m very grateful for that because deep down I knew that wasn’t me but the hard part was getting out. Getting in was easy, getting out was not. And since Jenn pulled me out of that in 1999, I never looked back and never took another drug again. I don’t drink as much anymore, it’s become one of those things that I have to be in the mood for a beer to have one. And then I can’t even finish a bottle of beer. But that’s good, good for me because I know that I can live without the alcohol and I definitely don’t need the drugs.
I wish someone can pull me out of my depression, but that is a battle that I have to fight on my own. I’ve been on meds for my depression for 14 years now and I don’t want to be on them anymore. I think that’s why I am feeling the way that I am now. I take myself off of them when I feel I have the strength to be off of them and I stay off of them as long as I can. It used to be that after I’m off, within a week I would have a nervous break down, the last time I was off of them in the beginning of 2004 I was off of them for 4 months before I was about to have a nervous breakdown, now it’s been 6 months since I’ve been off of them and I’m about to have a nervous breakdown, I have problems making decisions when I’m off of my meds and just can’t think straight and on occasion, I feel confused. I did take one pill yesterday to at least prevent me from crashing down but I don’t want to take them everyday anymore. I’ve realized that it doesn’t make my depression go away, it just puts it in a quiet place. I need to fight it. It’s time that I face this disease and fight it in order to make myself a stronger person.
I’m sure it’s probably not a good idea for me to be off my meds because I do get suicidal and cut, but I haven’t had a suicidal thought in my mind for years after I was in the hospital for trying to kill myself. And that’s good that I don’t get the suicidal thoughts anymore but I still get the thoughts of cutting only because I know that to me the cutting (I know this may sound wrong) but when I’m in my depressive state the cutting actually feels good. But, I know in my right mind, that I should not be doing the cutting or even thinking about it but then it reflects back to how good it felt and that’s what scares me the most.
My soul searching put me through a lot of crying spells, lots of thought of why I was born, why nothing ever goes right in my life among things and being homesick at the same time. I’ve battled the homesickness and have battled a few things and even went to therapy but I felt like the therapy didn’t help. My therapist was great but I just didn’t feel that it was helping. Telling someone everything of my thoughts and feelings, hell, that’s what writing is right? Doing the same thing and not paying outrageous amounts of money telling someone your thoughts and feelings and then they talk to you like you’re “dumb” or something. I was never comfortable with any of the therapists that I’ve met with. I tend to either lie to them or not tell them everything that they want to hear because I wonder what they would think of me.
So, once again, I’m on another journey to find out who I am, and what I want in my life. It’s weird because when I’m at work I’m a completely different person and everyone loves me, somehow I’m “popular” at work but yet once I walk out that door to go home, my true self comes out and it scares me. I feel safe when I’m at work because I’m so busy and I’m doing what I love doing on a personal level.
Then, there’s times that when I’m home I’ll look around and wonder “is this real? Am I really here?” It’s like I don’t know what is real and what is. I have to literally sit there for a moment and look at everything around me and wonder where I am, how did I get here, why am I here…etc. so many questions, but yet I can’t seem to find the answer. Then after about 10-15 minutes I realize that everything around me is real. All this stuff around me is mine, all paid for not owing anything on my belongings except my car, then I think, how did I get myself so in debt? Why am I behind? Then I start thinking of the stupid things that I did and wish I didn’t do it but I know I can’t change the past that I can only improve the future. Then I start to think, how will I improve the future? Where do I start, etc…
Jenn used to tell me and I’m sure she’s thinking it now as she reads this that I need to give my little hamster that’s on his running wheel in my head a break and to quit thinking so much. Dan tells me that I fidget too much because I can’t sit still, I always need to be doing something. So there are 3 of my many faults, I worry too much, I think too much and I don’t know how to sit still just even for 5 minutes. But yet, I can’t seem to motivate myself to do some things that I want to do.
Such is life, right? Well, I should go for now, I’ll write more again soon. Blessed Be!
Much Love~
~V~
